The holiday season is often hailed as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. It’s a time when we come together with family and friends, exchange gifts, and create lasting memories. However, for many, the holiday season can also be a source of stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil. Balancing the desire for a perfect holiday with the realities of family dynamics and personal well-being can be a challenging task. This is where the art of setting healthy boundaries comes into play despite the common belief that holiday boundaries are a myth.
From my experience as a true believer (at 43 years old) in the magic of Christmas, as a young girl who grew up engulfed each season with traditions, gatherings, and very high expectations, and as the mother of two little elves who deserve it all, I am here to tell you that trudging forward taking on one more task and tradition is not the answer to finding holiday magic.
After years of striving for perfection each holiday (yes all of them) for my babies to hold the fondness I recall from my own childhood, I now know that the true magic of the season is doing less and being present more. So let’s take a quick journey:
Close your eyes for a second. Now, think of the phrase “holiday season.” What comes to mind? Is it positive or negative? Do you feel excited or stressed? Is it too much in both directions to really be present?
Although holidays can be very uplifting for some of us, not all may feel the same way. Read on to learn how to reduce holiday stress by setting boundaries.
Boundaries:
Boundaries are the invisible yet powerful threads that weave through our lives, allowing us to savor cherished moments with loved ones while alleviating stress and overwhelm. They are the essence of intentional living, fostering genuine connections and authentic relationships.
In essence, boundaries are the guidelines we set for ourselves, delineating what is acceptable and unacceptable in our lives. They provide a framework for managing expectations, responsibilities, and emotions. It’s crucial to acknowledge that boundaries aren’t about distancing ourselves from loved ones but about nurturing our inner peace and preserving our emotional well-being.
Healthy boundaries, as described by Brené Brown, can be summarized as the delineation of what is acceptable and unacceptable in your life. These boundaries are crucial for finding inner peace and safety.
Establishing boundaries offers a wealth of benefits. It not only shields us but also enriches our relationships, fostering mutual respect and trust. Moreover, it grants us enhanced self-confidence by clarifying our values, identity, and desires. This self-awareness acts as a safeguard against burnout, amplifies self-esteem, and fortifies our ability to assert ourselves.
At pivotal moments, the pause becomes essential. Between stimulus and response, we have a choice. In this moment, the choices we make will determine the rest of our lives. So at this busy time of year, our choices about finances, time, energy, consumption, and expectations, we must slow down, pause, and choose what we actually want to and are able to do.
Choices, whether big or small during the holiday season, prompt reflection on our values and available resources. It’s about weighing options, perhaps taking a half-day off work for peaceful present wrapping or considering alternatives like gift bags. The goal is to align our choices with what resonates best with our individual needs.
What Happens During the Holidays?
Before you can set boundaries, it’s essential to identify your needs. What aspects of the holiday season trigger anxiety or stress in you? By acknowledging and understanding your emotional triggers, you can begin to chart a path toward a more peaceful holiday experience. For instance, if the thought of attending multiple family parties fills you with dread, consider selectively choosing those events that align with your schedule and personal values.
Focused on a fantasy
We can get sucked into the fantasy that everything should be perfect. A lot of that comes from the pictures that movies and social media paints.
Stirs up memories & feelings
You may display feelings that come from your past experiences during this time of the year. Without realizing it, the holidays can bring to the surface feelings both good and bad.
Expectations and longings
Some people hold onto memories, which create expectations for the future. Maybe good memories mean you’ve set high expectations and you’re trying to recreate memories. If your memories are negative, you may try to turn things around. You may feel like it’s your responsibility to make things better for yourself and for your family. Either way, if you don’t succeed you’re left feeling disappointed.
More people, more needs
During the holidays, you might feel like you’re being pulled in many different directions, by different people. You want to please everyone, but your own needs are compromised along the way.
The gifts, gifts, gifts
Both gifting and receiving gifts can be stressful. This is especially true if giving and receiving gifts is your partner’s love language.
Familiar and familial roles
Another reason the holidays can be hard on relationships is the family dynamics that come out. Oftentimes, people fall back into the role they had growing up, and your partner sees you in a new way.
Cultural Clashes
Maybe you and your partner come from different cultures and have different ways to celebrate the season. It can be tricky, trying to honor two different traditions.
Politics and other polarizing topics
More people means more opinions. Even if you’re not blending together different cultures, there are countless topics to disagree on, especially in today’s political climate. Get ahead of it!
5 Ways to Set boundaries:
Be clear on what’s truly important. Listen to yourself.
1. Know Your Limits: Recognize when you’re reaching your emotional or physical limits. Stress often arises from taking on too much or feeling overwhelmed. Identifying your triggers allows you to develop strategies for managing them.
Setting boundaries can be met with resistance. Not everyone may understand or appreciate your need for personal space and emotional preservation. In such instances, it’s crucial to be prepared for pushback. Remember that pushback often signifies the necessity of boundaries and should not deter you from maintaining your emotional well-being.
In some instances, your boundaries may be violated. When this happens, do not hesitate to excuse yourself from uncomfortable conversations or events. Prioritize your emotional and mental well-being, even if it means temporarily distancing yourself from challenging situations. Remember that boundaries are a form of self-care.
2. Prepare to Speak Up: Be ready to communicate your boundaries calmly and confidently. Utilize affirmations to boost your self-assurance and focus on the positive aspects of the situation or the people involved.
Effective boundary setting requires clear and direct communication. Be upfront about your boundaries, avoiding ambiguity. For instance, if you’d rather not discuss your love life with your parents, communicate this directly, stating that such conversations are off-limits. Clarity simplifies the understanding of your boundaries, even if others do not fully comprehend them.
3. Communicate Clearly and Directly: Clearly and directly communicate your boundaries using “I” statements. These statements explain how specific behaviors affect you, making it easier for others to respect your boundaries.
The success of boundaries lies in their consistent enforcement. If you occasionally let your boundaries slide, it sends the message that they are not a priority. Consistency demonstrates your commitment to your boundaries and encourages others to respect them as well. By adhering to your own boundaries, you set an example of self-respect that others will also follow.
4. Don’t Hesitate to Say “No”: Sometimes, a simple “no” without elaboration is sufficient. You do not always have to provide an explanation. I like to add in a “thank-you” as that aligns with my personality, but Anne Lamotte reminds us that “No is a complete sentence.”
5. Acknowledge Your Efforts: Setting boundaries is a significant achievement. Even if not everyone accepts them, remember that you’re prioritizing your well-being. I often say, “If you are offended by my boundaries, you are probably the reason I have them.” You are doing this for you, through you, and because of YOU. This is not about them, and you deserve to celebrate the efforts you are making for the future version of you.
Over time, setting boundaries becomes more comfortable, and your emotional and physical safety will grow!
Boundaries are Built over Time:
The following is text (quotes in italics) taken from the We Can Do Hard Things Podcast with Melissa Urban who is the co-founder and CEO of Whole30, a six time New York Times best selling author and her recent book, The Book of Boundaries is packed with insights and practical applications. In this episode of the podcast, she outlines how we bring boundaries to our encounters using a three level approach to introduce, reinforce, and then enforce what is and is not acceptable to you.
“Green is the gentlest, kindest language. You are assuming that the person didn’t know you had a limit and wants to be respectful and healthy in your relationship. You’ll share this green language and see where it goes.”
“Yellow is okay, this person is either forgetting or unwilling or reluctant to respect my boundary, now my language needs to be a bit more direct. It’s still kind, but it’s more direct and impactful. I may share a consequence here, like if we can’t change the tone of this discussion, then I’ll be leaving the room for five minutes so we can take a break.”
“The red level boundary is if the behavior continues to escalate: this is the boundary, this is the consequence, this is the action that I am going to take to keep myself safe and healthy, which is I’m going to interrupt you. The way you are speaking to me right now does not feel okay to me. I’m going to leave for an hour and when I come back we can resume. That’s your red.“
What this means is that establishing boundaries isn’t just about setting limits; it’s about communicating them effectively in a way that respects both yourself and the other person. Using the traffic light analogy—green, yellow, and red—allows for a gradual escalation in the assertiveness of your communication, ensuring that you prioritize respect and understanding while reinforcing what is and isn’t acceptable. It’s a method that not only asserts your needs but also invites mutual respect and healthy dynamics in relationships by addressing issues in a clear, compassionate, and assertive manner.
Example Phrases you Can Use:
These are examples I have used or encountered over time and collected for you. This particular list is by no means the only way to communicate boundaries, but these phrases are a great place to stir your curiosity about where you can benefit from building some boundaries this holiday season!
I would love to keep this tradition as it has been precious, but I have competing demands and will need to let you know.
I’d prefer you not comment on my eating habits.
I’m sorry you feel hurt, I would never want to hurt you. I just have other priorities.
I hope it doesn’t ruin things for you, that would be a shame. I’m telling you now to in hopes that other arrangements can be made.
I’d love to host at my house again, but it will have to be a potluck and I’ll need help cleaning up afterward.
I’m complimented you’d ask me to help but unfortunately, I have too much going on and I need to turn it over to someone else this year.
I know it’s a free country, and I appreciate that you’re entitled to your opinion, but that language makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t want to fight about it and ruin our good time, so let’s change the subject. [Then change the subject.]
Please don’t say that to me. It makes me uncomfortable even if you mean it as a compliment.
Please don’t make those jokes about [group] in front of the children. They’re real copycats and telling those jokes could get them into trouble at school and hurt their friends’ feelings.
I know that I’ve done X for as long as anyone can remember, but my financial situation no longer permits me to do that. I know it’s the end of an era but it can also be the start of a great new one.
No. (You heard that right. As I said, I like to add in a “thank-you” as that aligns with my personality, but “No is a complete sentence.” ~Anne Lamotte.)
Do’s and Do Not’s of Holiday Boundaries
These lists are not exhaustive, but they are a good, quick reminder of ways you can conserve your precious energy and time and allow space for a more joyous encounter!
And You are Off!
Setting boundaries during the holiday season is not an act of isolation; it’s a declaration of self-care. By establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, you can create a holiday season that aligns with your values and needs, fostering joy, peace, and fulfillment. Working with a coach throughout the year is a great way to build and benefit from the your unique boundaries. If you are curious about coaching and want to get a sample, follow this link to find out more information on the Course for Joy: a transformative and self-guided journey to finding more joy in your life.
As you embark on this holiday journey, remember that your well-being is paramount, and your boundaries are the tools to safeguard it. Wishing you a holiday season filled with joy and a deep sense of personal contentment.
**This content was joyfully crafted for a workshop for the Womxn of Tomorrow community! I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to be an EducateHer with this collection of beautiful souls!