Oprah says that we do all things from a place of either fear or love. We know we love the love part, but too often we hate (and therefore avoid) the fear part. Fear isn’t all it’s cracked up to be – it is vital to our survival and exists only to keep us alive. Yes – our cavemen brains still think tigers are going to attack us, and though we aren’t often in a position to be attacked by tigers, our brain’s attention to fear is real and can be pervasive. It is in these times that we need to explore how faith and the willingness to practice can help us confront our fears and live with joy and confidence.
Fear is a natural and necessary part of being human. It’s a programmed, evolutionary defense mechanism that helps us to avoid danger and stay alive. However, fear can also hold us backrestrain us from taking risks and pursuing our dreams. It’s important to recognize that fear is not necessarily a bad thing – in fact, it can be very useful in keeping us safe. But when fear is the only thing driving us, we may miss out on opportunities for growth and fulfillment.
To overcome our fears, we need to have faith in ourselves and in the universe. We need to believe that we have the strength and resilience to face whatever challenges come our way. Faith allows us to embrace uncertainty and to trust that everything will work out in the end. Faith can mean different things to different people – it may be a belief in a higher power, in oneself, or in the goodness of the universe. Whatever form it takes, faith can be a powerful tool in overcoming fear.
But faith alone is not enough. To build faith, we must be willing to practice. We need to be willing to take small steps towards our goals, even if we’re afraid. We need to be willing to try new things and to learn from our mistakes. This is where the concept of willingness comes in. It’s not enough to simply have faith – we need to be willing to take action. It’s often said that action is the antidote to fear, and this is true. By taking small steps towards our goals, we build confidence and resilience. We learn that failure is not the end of the world, but rather an opportunity to learn and grow. We learn that we are capable of more than we ever imagined.
So I encourage you to have faith in yourself and in the universe, and to be willing to practice. Embrace uncertainty and take small steps towards your goals, even if you’re afraid. Believe that you have the strength and resilience to face whatever challenges come your way. It’s important to remember that this is a journey, not a destination. We may never completely overcome our fears, but by having faith and practicing willingness, we can learn to live with them in a way that allows us to pursue our dreams and live with joy and confidence.
With faith and practice, you can confront your fears and live with joy and confidence. You can overcome any obstacle and achieve your dreams. If you need support finding this space for yourself, working with a coach can help you get there. Sign up here for a 30-minute consultation!
May faith and willingness to practice guide you on your journey to joy!
Are you one of those people who suck at sleeping? Are you tolerating the consequences? Good sleep is not an easy feat, and you are not alone. It’s a journey, but one that’s definitely worth it.
I used to be terrible at sleeping. I was tolerating a life without true sleep. I would toss and turn all night ruminating on the troubles of my mind and heart and judging my inability to simply sleep. I was waking up feeling groggy and irritable. But then I made a choice. I chose to see myself as a person who could get better at sleep, and I knew that I was worth it. And with time, patience, and a few tricks, I’ve gotten a lot better at sleeping.
Now, I’m not saying that I have all the answers. I’ve tried all the things, from tracking my sleep to buying all the pillows and finding the right sleep mask. I use a weighted blanket, listen to binaural beats for sleep, choose hot tea over alcohol (most days), wash my face routinely, turn off the screen, pick up a book, and get in bed at a reasonable time (most days). And while these things have helped, the most important factor has been my mindset.
In order to be the kind of person that sleeps well, I had to hold the mindset of a person who sleeps well. It is work. But it is work I will continue to do.
By choosing to prioritize my sleep and seeing myself as someone who deserves quality rest, the benefits are abundant. And you can too! Here are just a few of the amazing benefits of getting a real good night’s sleep:
Reduced stress: Sleep is crucial for regulating cortisol levels, the hormone responsible for stress. When you get enough rest, you’ll feel more relaxed and less overwhelmed.
Improved mood: When you’re well-rested, you’ll be more likely to wake up feeling refreshed and optimistic. This can help boost your mood and reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Avoid sickness: Sleep is essential for a healthy immune system. When you get enough rest, your body can better fight off illness and infection.
Reduced health issues: Poor sleep has been linked to a range of health issues, from heart disease to diabetes to obesity. By prioritizing your sleep, you can reduce your risk of these and other health problems.
Support healthy weight: Lack of sleep has been linked to weight gain and obesity. When you’re well-rested, you’ll be more likely to make healthy food choices and stick to your exercise routine.
Enhanced mental clarity: Sleep is crucial for cognitive function. When you’re well-rested, you’ll be able to think more clearly, make better decisions, and improve your memory.
Improved productivity: When you’re tired, it’s hard to focus and get things done. By prioritizing your sleep, you’ll be more productive and efficient throughout the day.
Better decision-making: Lack of sleep can impair your judgment and decision-making skills. By getting enough rest, you’ll be better equipped to make smart, safe decisions.
All of these benefits support you in achieving your goals, whether it’s in your personal or professional life. As a life coach, I can help you achieve your goals from sleep to relationships to boundaries and beyond through tailored guidance and support.
If you’re ready to feel empowered and take control of your life, I would love to help! Schedule a 30-minute consultation with me, where we’ll have a relaxed conversation about your unique needs and goals from sleep to so much more. I’ll provide you with personalized guidance and support to help you achieve the life you desire. Let’s embark on this journey together!
Are you ready to feel empowered and take control of your life? Let’s start by getting a good night’s sleep! Follow along on social media to get to know more about the work I do! I’m here to support you on your journey, and I can’t wait to help you unlock your full potential. Schedule a 30-minute consultation with me to get personalized guidance and support. Together, we can make your dreams a reality!
Are you tired of feeling like you’re living a life that’s not true to who you really are? Are you ready to embrace your authentic self and show up in the world as the real you? If so, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with finding their true selves and living authentically. But the good news is that there are signs that can help you know when your authentic self is shining through. Here are 7 of them:
1. Boundaries are now your superpower
When you’re living authentically, you know your limits and you’re not afraid to enforce them. You’re able to set boundaries that protect your time, energy, and emotions, and you’re not afraid to say no to things that don’t align with your values or priorities.
2. Your awareness has been raised around noticing behaviors
Living authentically requires a heightened sense of self-awareness. You become more in tune with your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and you’re able to recognize when you’re acting in a way that’s not aligned with your authentic self. You’re also more aware of the behaviors of others and how they may be impacting you.
3. You’re more in tune with your emotional responses
One of the most important aspects of living authentically is being able to express your emotions in a healthy way. When your authentic self is shining through, you’re more in tune with your emotional responses and you’re able to express them in a way that’s authentic and true to who you are.
4. You’re able to hold multiple truths at the same time
Living authentically isn’t about having all the answers or having a single, fixed identity. It’s about being able to hold multiple truths at the same time and allowing yourself to grow and evolve over time. When your authentic self is shining through, you’re able to embrace the complexities of life and hold multiple perspectives without feeling conflicted or confused.
5. You’re ager to learn new things, cultivate deeper connections, and find more peace in your life
Living authentically is a journey, not a destination. When your authentic self is shining through, you’re always eager to learn new things, deepen your connections with others, and find more peace in your life. You’re not afraid to take risks, try new things, and challenge yourself to grow and evolve.
6. You understand that other people’s issues and projections have nothing to do with you
One of the biggest obstacles to living authentically is the opinions and projections of others. When your authentic self is shining through, you understand that other people’s issues and projections have nothing to do with you. You don’t take it personally when someone tries to bring you down or when they don’t understand your journey.
7. You feel a sense of calm and contentment within yourself, and you’re able to show up authentically in all areas of your life
Finally, when your authentic self is shining through, you feel a sense of calm and contentment within yourself. You’re able to show up authentically in all areas of your life, from your personal relationships to your professional endeavors. You’re not afraid to be yourself, and you know that your authentic self is worthy of love, respect, and acceptance.
If you’re struggling to connect with your authentic self, a certified life coach can help you navigate the journey. A life coach can help you identify and overcome the obstacles that are holding you back from living your most authentic life. Remember, the journey to self-discovery is a rewarding one, and you are worth it!
A reflection on Elie Wiesel’s Night and what we can learn today.
It was my first year teaching. At the time, I was very clear that I had a lot to learn about the profession, but I found myself overwhelmed with how much I had to learn from my students.
In a sophomore English class (World Literature), we were reading the ever important Memoir by Elie Wiesel, Night. One motif carried through the narrative is the use of eyes as mirrors and windows to the soul. In a presentation on the topic, one young man finished with this: “If the eyes are the window to the soul, many of us need to open them up, dust them out, and let the fresh air in.”
This sticks with me to this day. I remember my jaw dropping with a dumbfounded sense of awe at the visual he created and the sudden urgency I had to tell every single person I knew to bust open and refresh their souls. This message became one I would teach for years to come, and it has become a baseline belief of the work I do as a Life Coach.
✨When was the last time each of us took note of those cobwebs or distortions to the lenses we use to create our worlds?
✨When was the last time you were clear on what your eyes were sharing about your soul?
✨When was the last time you dusted out the old ways of believing to allow your truth, as it is today, to shine through?
✨When was the last time you gave yourself permission to become the most true mirror of your soul?
I believe that clearing the way for authenticity to shine is the most direct path to individual joy and connection. It is my mission in life to help empower others to find this gem within and share it with the world, and you are personally invited to take the journey with me!
The world is going mad trying to divide us from one another and from ourselves, I would like to invite you back✨
Like the Joy,Inc page across social media @MyJoyCoach to follow along, share it with a friend or family member who needs to turn up the volume on their spirit, and reach out when you are ready to do the same!
Working with a coach can do just this. Together we can open up the windows, let some fresh air in, clear out the cobwebs, and move forward with clarity.
Last week I was asked about finding “ᴡᴏʀᴋ-ʟɪꜰᴇ ʙᴀʟᴀɴᴄᴇ”. I giggled out loud a little bit, for this was one of my first questions to my first coach. I said to her, “I cannot seem to find it. ⚖️ It is hiding from me.”
There was a time in life when I thought I understood balance: It meant equal, stable, deeply rooted, and unperturbed by my conditions. Strong and firm. I wanted to hold on to this idea so much that I got the word tattooed on my left wrist to help me ‘remember’ to stay balanced.
In so many instances of the unfortunate conditions in my life that left me feeling wobbly⚖️, I would look at my wrist and get frustrated at my inability to maintain my balance (the strong and firm one that could withstand anything…gracefully). My inked reminder wasn’t working as it was supposed to. I wanted to see the word, remember the definition, and simply be balanced in the place I was.
When I realized, through work with my own incredible coaches, that balance can only be found within constant motion (the pull between happiness and suffering, work and life, healthy and unhealthy), and that it is my ability (or lack thereof at times in my life) to align with it that allows joy to shine (or joy to wait patiently in the corner), I was changed forever.
We see this dance in the push and pull of every moment between centrifugal force and gravity. It is undeniable that balance and stasis are not the same thing.
It is a reminder that change is the only constant: We can stand firm against it, or we can move with it. In this way, work-life balance (as so many other struggles) simply becomes an inquiry into:
In a safe and judgment free space, we get curious about what drives you toward your goals and what steers you away from your goals. We stretch and hold tight, we look outward and within, we celebrate and we struggle. But we will get you there if you are ready to find the joy within the ebb and flow of life’s conditions.
Until then, to get you started on your journey to embracing the ever changing world of “ᴡᴏʀᴋ-ʟɪꜰᴇ ʙᴀʟᴀɴᴄᴇ” (or whatever you are seeking), I have a few nuggets of gold for you. I did not write this list, but it’s really a great starting point for finding the right balance for your particular work-life needs. A huge thank you to Marisa Sanfilippo, Business News Daily Contributing Writer, for summarizing it so nicely. Read the full article for more insights – they are good! Together, we can tackle all of these:
1. Accept that there is no ‘perfect’ work-life balance.
2. Find a job that you love.
3. Prioritize your health.
4. Don’t be afraid to unplug.
5. Take a vacation.
6. Make time for yourself and your loved ones.
7. Set boundaries and work hours.
8. Set goals and priorities (and stick to them).
Balance is never hiding from us. It is always pulling us in each moment – to find the right balance for that right moment – always knowing it could change in the next. It requires your full involvement as well as your ability to shift and wobble and always seek to re-align.
I didn’t disparage my tattoo as incomplete, but I decided to bring a new reminder to my left wrist – one that recognizes growth and change and adversity and triumph. So I got my #fourlittlebirds (Birdyshaw Family, Party of 4) tattooed above the precious word. Each bird is in its own stage of flight, in its own direction, in its own way heading forward – ever changing. Despite using the same ink to create them, they each have their own shading and appearance – so similar yet so different. My darling Birds remind me that though we move and fly through life, it is the adjustment to the wind that keeps us moving forward✨
And to get to know me better, please like and follow along @myjoycoach ✨
Stay Curious
Good morning! It is always a pleasure to be here in the FBC community but today I feel an extra deep sense of pleasure. I will admit my imposter syndrome is running strong right now. Standing in for Pastor LaThelma. A human for whom I feel a great deal of admiration and awe – Her studies, her practice, her devotion. But I also respect the work she has done as an individual to show up fully as herself – as she was divinely crafted.
Who am I to preach for her – to you? Am I enough?
Though I am ordained through the Universal Life Church online so that I may perform wedding ceremonies for friends and family, and though I find this to be one of the greatest blessings of my life, I still struggle with my enoughness to be here today.
The conflict, I know, is not an external one. I have felt welcomed by Flemington Baptist Church (FBC) since our first visit here just over a year ago. I know I have been called here to this community. We, my family and I, have been welcomed home.
As with most struggles, I wrestled with two contrasting, internal voices.
The first is the voice that has been given permission for much of my life to speak up as truth. The authoritative voice in the back of my head saying, are you enough? The second is the voice I hear calmly, quietly, consistently saying, My darling, of course you are enough.
When I find myself wrestling with a deep voice in my soul and the nagging voice in my head, I know it’s time to call upon vulnerability. It is time to invite God’s love to breathe oxygen into my life and bolster my courage to overcome my fear – to let my curiosity for what I can be to dominate over what I am afraid I am not. It is time to say, I do not have to do this alone. I never do this alone.
Today’s bible passage comes from 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
For when I am weak, then I am strong. This passage reminds us of a few things:
We are to expect hardships in life. Even with God’s love and protection, just as happiness is an expectation – so, too, is suffering.
that we avoid the ego’s nagging refrains by reminding ourselves that we do not have to be perfect but that God’s power is made whole, complete, perfect when we allow the relationship to be one of deep connection – of openness – of weakness.
In another sermon, we will break down my feelings on the use of the word weakness here as definitions matter and our cultural connotation of the word is unflattering, but it is assumed that weakness is the opposite of strength – of showing feebleness. In contrast, the kind of weakness Paul speaks of shows courage and clarity that can only be revealed when we trust. I believe that the weakness spoken of here is intended to say “trust” and this requires an openness – a vulnerability to bring forth our own authenticity – our divine truth.
Fun fact about me, I earned my black belt in Okinawa Kenpo karate when I was 27. I went in thinking I would learn how to fight. What I learned was how to protect myself. How to keep my person and my property safe from danger – from vulnerabilities. What I also learned was balance and peace. The fight stance alone is a contrast.
In this stance – we are solid, hyper-vigilant, and ready for attack. The translation of Karate means “empty hand”, and the translation of Kenpo (Kempo in some variations) means “the law of the fist”. To protect without weapons except for those organic to the body. It is powerful to practice relentlessly to possess weapons within us. There is safety knowing we have the tools and the experience and the courage to protect and feel peace in that security. Our bodies and minds can be truly powerful (and for this training – I am really aggressive when I take Tai Chi classes – LOL)!
Yet even in our most respectful, humble of scenarios, the bow, we never release the burden of protecting ourselves – of eliminating our vulnerabilities. We never lose eye contact. Never look away. Never hand over our power.
Karate taught me how to eliminate my vulnerabilities (physically) and protect. I am grateful.
But we are called to pray. To open up our vulnerabilities. To open up our weaknesses. To hand them over – to trust in god.
In this stance we are safe – but we are burdened if we attempt to take on life and its onslaught of struggles and fear alone.
In this stance, we are safe – unburdened because God has our back.
But the world today can be a scary place.
When I look at the world around me, I am certain that each one of us desires in a desperate manner to be seen – not just to be seen for what the world prescribes – but for who we are truly meant to be. To live fully. To dust off the edges of our gems and shine them for the world. If we believe we are divinely created, then we must never stop seeking this truth. We must always leave room for new oxygen – more growth. Continued change.
We know this, yet we grant permission for our culture to tell a different story of success and belonging. Let’s face it, there are many avenues of influence into our minds, bodies, and souls today, and this weaves a tightly wound, unbreathable corset around our souls. It is narrow – one of judgment. Standardization. Segregation. Intimidation. And scarcity. We are told to conform – to fit in – to withhold what’s inside. We are rarely told we are special and necessary if we are different from the masses, learn and perceive the world in unique ways, or worship a different God in a different manner in a different church with different music and traditions.
I am here today to ask you to reframe your weaknesses – see them as a calling from God to explore your innermost beliefs and interests and desires – to see them as guiding lights drawing out the inner gem within. Know your weaknesses are only your truths asking to be set free. Knowing that when we bow our heads and hearts and lift our hands in supplication that we are allowing God to breathe oxygen into our souls and bring forth our inner majesty.
I am here today to ask you to now see this in others – to allow their weakness to find a space to breathe without judgment.
I am here today to ask you to stay curious. As I have said many times before, I believe that God lives in connection. I believe in the connection between the bees and the trees, and the water and the sand, and the earth and the sky. I believe in the connection between all of god’s creatures and all of god’s creations!
When we look at all that connects us rather than all that separates us and allows connection despite the contrast, we create a space for God to live. When we can open up to this, we can see God’s work alive all around us. And I believe this requires our vulnerability.
In cybersecurity, a vulnerability is a weakness that can be exploited by cybercriminals to gain unauthorized access to a computer system. To combat this, we hire experts to explore and identify the vulnerabilities long before a criminal might crack into the system – subsequently and allow the software and data and safety to breathe and grow. We install firewalls and constantly check and recheck and protect in order to thrive. For this to be successful, the experts must be curious enough to look closely and honest enough to share the truth.
In the humanities, vulnerability is the willingness to show emotion or to allow one’s weaknesses to be seen or known; willingness to risk being emotionally hurt:
This is the courage to say I love you first, to say I no longer love you first. It is the wisdom to say, I feel alone, and I need support. It is the risk we face everyday to introduce ourselves wholeheartedly to the world.
This is a risk. But is it one worth taking since God’s power is made perfect when we do.
This can be scary. When we do it alone.
But God is our firewall. Our fortress. Our strength.
It is not a weakness to expose ourselves fully, the real risk is withholding the truth. For in doing so, we risk diminishing the light within. Diminishing God’s work and God’s ideas. Restricting connection.
Researcher and storyteller, Brenee Brown, defines connection as “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
Connection is the energy that exists between God’s creations. It is the energy that exists between people. It is the Holy Spirit at work.
When we consider where we see God at work – God’s hand at play, I cannot help but think of all the magic there is to share. When we are curious, we find God in the connection of music spanning from the Americas to Africa to Australia and bringing forth a chorus of culture and communion. When we are curious, we find new ways to share the message of love and faith with those who are unfamiliar to the gospel. When we are curious, our differences become a new page in God’s book for us to explore. Our differences broaden our knowing of God’s creativity and confidence. Our differences are God’s divine work.
If we build our boundaries constructed by bricks of fear and judgment instead of trusting in God’s firewall, we will eliminate the opportunity to be seen as we truly are – to see others as they truly are, and this makes deep connection nearly impossible. When we carry the burden of hyper-vigilance and fear alone, we disconnect ourselves from our faith and our sanctuary of God’s love.
We must be curious about what God has in store for us. So simply keep your firewall subscription up to date, and all will be fine.
So that’s it, right? Easy peasy –
Wrong. This is not the easiest thing.
In a society that thrives on fear and scarcity, we must remember God’s abundance.
Then stay curious about where to find it.
Because you are safe.
John 8:32 “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
To move through with curiosity and confidence – separating the inner voice of God from the nagging voice of fear – we are set free. And freedom is what we crave. This comes from connection.
I fear that we are struggling as a culture to experience deep connection not only to others but especially to God and to ourselves. To shed light on this, I would like to share a few things with you:
Glennon Doyle’s podcast, “We Can Do Hard Things”, recently highlighted work published by Australian Palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware. Her “5 Regrets of the Dying” were shared. I was called to this because I, too, have expressed these regrets through life, and I am working to transform their relationship to my happiness and my suffering. In sharing them with you now, I want you to close your eyes and please raise your hand if you have said – or are saying – these things to yourself today.
I wish I had the courage to live life true to myself, not the one others expected of me.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
I wish I had had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
If you raised your hand for even one of these, I invite you – as my calling here today – to get curious about the subject. Is it your connection to expectations, work, feelings, relationships, or your inner self that needs your attention? What happens when you ask the question of “am I enough” and God answers, “Of course you are.” Can you hear it? Can you be still and know that you are safe? Can you stand upon your fertile, higher ground, and relying upon the legacy of your roots, can you reach up and out to shine your light? Can you redefine the perceived weakness?
Jesus said “I am the way and the truth”. He said, “follow me. Be curious with me. Trust me.” And God will be your refuge, your road, and your right. The truth is the fertile soil and earth upon which our roots grow deeper and allow the branches to extend up and out. We are strong and stable because of the truth (be still and know) and then we are set free by the truth to seek outward turning over a new leaf(stay curious) knowing we can always return to our core. Our faith. God’s work is ever present.
The thread of vulnerability is woven through each branch welcoming both feelings of being held (not restricted) and being seen as we grow and breathe life into ourselves and others. But we must stay curious. We must allow oxygen to breathe life into our souls.
In this Easter season as we approach Pentecost, we are reminded of the love, the faith, and the dedication that allowed Jesus to face his journey from life to death on the cross. We are then reminded of the love, the faith, and the dedication that defeated death in his resurrection. We are reminded that Jesus never walked alone, and he knew it. He walked each unbearable step in the knowing: He died for it. So that we may be set free. Even in the face of change, danger, opposition, or despair, God is with us just as God’s Holy Spirit held Jesus as he carried hope for you and me on his shoulders. God had his back – just as God has your back and mine.
Here’s the trouble with being a good parent – it’s impossible to get just right when the rules of engagement change every day. Let me lay it out for you:
The expectation in the beginning: I will be the best parent ever. The books I will read will help me do it just right. I learned so much on my journey, certainly I can make the world right for this tiny human. Everyone else has done it perfectly, so surely I can.
The reality: I feel like I am failing. I am too tired. I am not enjoying all of this like I am supposed to. I am not nearly as good as the parents I see around me. I am not enough for my kids.
The hard truth: You are not perfect. You are a parent. You are a human. You are a hero. And you are likely a hot mess.
The real struggle here is to remedy the conflict between who we are trying to be and who we are authentically meant to be. The struggle is to revamp the expectations and be clear on what we will use to measure ourselves.
How do we do it: We identify our values, our goals, and our opportunities. Then we bust out our obstacles.
Why do we do it: The cycle will continue unless we change it, and the cycle can be dark.
The real goal: Let them become who they authentically are (especially in a way that you were never offered). This is where we avoid the ”Encanto Effect”. You know, where each character has a special gift (which sounds totally awesome), but that gift becomes their defining feature and smothers the exploration of other talents and emotions and experiences.
What gifts did you withhold in the name of pleasing others and aligning to their expectations? What gifts are still waiting to be revealed? What gifts can you help your kids explore?
Whose perfection are you seeking?
In martial arts, we practiced the Dojo Kun – the way of being within the dojo and out in the world shared through 5 simple mantras. One was, “Seek Perfection of Character”. What this reminds me is that we are not practicing to be perfect performers. We are practicing to:
SEEK: attempt or desire to obtain or achieve
PERFECTION: the action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible. For our purposes today – let’s focus on the process of improving to meet standards of our own choosing.)
of CHARACTER (the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual)
When I sum that up I get this: one must desire/attempt the act of improving the qualities unique to them. This reminds us to open the pathway of their journey, grab some pom-poms, and start cheering them on. The critical answer here is understanding we should each be seeking our OWN perfection only to be found on our own journey which means we have to let them become.
But this is scary. To allow them to become something unknown – to figure life out on their own terms is freaking scary. The thought of letting them struggle or endure sadness is intolerable. The record in my brain kept playing this dreaded tune on repeat: “a good parent makes sure their kids are happy, safe, and comfortable all the time, and you will be a good parent.”
I always told my kids that my job was to protect them. When I began saying it, I deeply meant to protect them from all things bad and dangerous. For my brand new babies, it was quite literally making sure they stay alive. I was comfortable with my proclamation of protection. Then as they grew, I realized it wasn’t just the protection of physical safety I was promising but also I was trying to protect them from suffering. I wanted to keep the monsters not only out of the closet but out of the state, the country, and everywhere. I wanted a life for them free of suffering.
BUT Life is not just made of happiness. The inevitability of life is just this: we will endure both the highs of happiness and the lows of suffering. Neither will remain. Neither can be anticipated. We can only be in the moment and be aware that the next moment changes. My kids will encounter some of the truly deepest feelings of celebration and exultation, and they will be faced with some impossible situations and feelings.
If I block their experience from suffering, I will deny them the necessary opportunity to learn to manage their great big feelings in a way that will help navigate their journey. I cannot buffer them from suffering. That is on them to manage. My job is to instill the desire and the courage to protect themselves, to trust themselves, and to enjoy themselves.
So while it pains me to watch my kids struggle with anything, I also know I want to raise happy, healthy, independent, financially stable, contributing members of society who are unique and sure of who they are. However they choose to do it, I will support them, but I know today that I owe it to them to teach them to find their joy amidst the happiness and suffering as they embark upon this bumpy, beautiful journey.
I won’t tell you it‘s easy – But I will tell you time and again that you can endure it with more joy for you and for them. And I will tell you that I have your back. In this coaching practice, we will dig into what values drive you at your core, what aspects of life you are tolerating, and which resources can be tapped to help you bring your best self back to life. We will do this for you and to help you love the people who count on you!
You don’t have to be a good parent in all the ways and in all the things, but setting your sights on seeking the perfection of your unique character will make you great!
You are worth it, and the world needs all of us to shine brighter.
One of my true loves in life comes in the form of printed and bound sheets of paper containing the inked words poured from the minds and experiences of the author. As a former English teacher, reading and discussing books has become a must in my life, so book clubs become very important!
I am starting one here – for us. We will build and develop it along the way, but I cannot contain my love for books and their incredible content any longer. Please join me as I share with you this part of my soul.
The Book of Joy will start us off! Follow along to learn why this text has the gravitas to kick off this community. No – it’s not just that the title has the word JOY in it OR that it’s written by the curious combination of a Christian, a Buddhist, and a Jew OR that it tells the tales of two epic humans OR that I finally understood what joy truly is – or can be! Perhaps it is all of that, but it is certainly more than just that.
This text is not based on happiness – though much of the narrative is told through laughter and humor. It is not about suffering – though their tales are riddled with tragedy. It is truly about the joy they find and the joy they share along the way despite life’s encounters.
In this text, we read the revealed humor, insight, and faith held by his Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. They share their experience with suffering through exile and persecution, yet you can truly hear the laughter they create in their 7-day meeting to discuss joy. What we find is that suffering is indeed inevitable, but our response to the suffering is up to us. We also see that the antidote to suffering is built on compassion and generosity.
I have now listened to this text and read it – both hold great value in the experience. Through this book, we are invited to a sacred space – not one that is held for the highest of esteem but one that exists for all of us. Joy is not a result of external or extenuating circumstances like happiness often does, but it is, as they call it, our birthright.
This book has become one of my top gifted books, and today I invite you to check it out!
I remember the first time I heard about a life coach. I actually won a gift certificate at a fundraiser, and I think I gave it away. I am rather certain I spat some of my coffee out when I looked it up. I thought it was interesting but highly unnecessary – I had friends to vent to, colleagues to banter with, and my brain to brainstorm life’s encounters. I also had a career in Social Work, Education, Event Planning, and Business which made me feel as though I had it all figured out – I knew people and strategy which means I knew myself.
(Any chance this sounds familiar?)
Well. That didn’t last long. Nearly a year later I was working with a coach through my career in manufacturing (my funky resume is below if you are curious…It’s been a journey for sure). I was skeptical, but I was also rather relieved to find a safe space – a conversion – I could hold sacred for who I was and where I wanted to go. I was quickly and utterly hooked.
Now. It was not always pleasantries and the kumbaya stuff one might think of this new agey career (although I would be remiss to say I don’t do anything without a little pleasantry and kumbaya stuff), but the work was meaningful because the risk to remain the the same – to remain stagnant – was more unbearable than my fear of change.
The work was fascinating to me. I was able to express my wants and frustrations, but instead of dwelling on those glitches and building a strong, negative narrative, I was encouraged to construct a plan that I was then held accountable to. I found myself in places of great success and places of great frustration, but I found out that I could both seek what I want and manage where I am. I also found out that the best service one can offer is to themself – not in a self-ish way – but in a way that allows our lights to shine brighter so that others may, too.
I am a teacher and a healer at my core. As an educator, my mission was to empower my students to explore and embrace their best selves. As a coach✨, my mission remains the same. I don’t claim to have the answers for you individually, but I bring you real questions and insights because you already have the answers waiting to be explored without judgment.
My job as your coach is to assist in finding new perspectives, share hard core accountability coupled with compassion, and empower your authenticity to glow✨. I feel you. I see you. I got you.
People I work with find more of themselves through an authentic light, become grounded while building momentum, build a willingness for vulnerability in our sessions that transcends into their personal and professional lives, and celebrate with a sense of humor and humility. We will explore what you are tolerating, and what you are willing and able to do to incorporate more joy into your life. We will laugh and cry and challenge and celebrate this crazy, beautiful life!
There’s no secret sauce to how we make change – There’s only the journey. Here is a snapshot of what we will do:
We start where you are and celebrate your strength for showing up for growth.
Establish a clear vision aligned with your authentic values.
Identify available and motivating opportunities
Face obstacles head on to get ahead of it roadblocks and excuses
Build an actionable and engaging plan
Evaluate and celebrate glows and glitches.
You are officially invited to JOY✨! Give yourself permission to glow✨!
Please like my pages across social @MyJoyCoach, follow along, share it with a friend, and make some room to turn up your spirit volume with Joy, Inc!
This originally was written in for the Grace UCC Newsletter for the Parenting Column. It was written in 2015, but the message rings true today. Please enjoy a trip down memory lane with me as we are reminded that life’s journey is all about the experience along the way – the learning, the bumps and bruises, the glitches and the glows, the experience of life.
Just recently I drove a race car. Like a real – NASCAR – racecar! It was a bucket list item added years ago – long before I was married – long before I was a mom. When I was young and adventurous and confident, I decided that I wanted to drive a racecar. I was totally intimidated, but I went in to it knowing that I would push myself as far as I believed I could, and then I would push a little further. I didn’t drive quite as intensely as the others, but you would never know it from my joy.
That night when I opened up my journal to insert the proud check mark, I looked through the list and started to laugh when I read, “Learn Yoga”, in my definitive, declarative handwriting. I was going to “learn yoga”. I laughed because with my perspective today, I know how ridiculous it is to think one can “learn yoga”. It is a practice – a thing you do every day. A thing you learn again every day. It is a practice coupled with confidence and mistakes and insecurities and growth. It is a joy.
For me, it was separating the idea of learning a task (aka – mastery) and practicing a task (aka – effort) that suddenly made me great at yoga. I didn’t need to master the pose, the style, and the depth because the essence of yoga – perhaps life – is to keep pushing, keep strengthening, and keep breathing. I began to understand that the wobbles and the frustration were a practice that may never be perfect but the effort is always redeemable.
You see – parenting is so very much like yoga. Not only do I often parent while wearing my yoga pants, but the concepts are so very similar. We have to practice. We are always practicing. There’s no Superbowl or World Series of parenting or yoga. We simply continue to grow and develop – to be our truest selves and hope it is enough.
I struggle though to extend that mindset of acceptance of who I am to other aspects of life. I hear the call to wake up each day and with acceptance for yesterday and dedication to do better today, yet somehow my expectations are so unforgiving. I have always been hard on myself, but when I suddenly had two precious lives under my watch, I wanted nothing more than to be the very best. I make myself crazy trying to meet the unfortunate (self-imposed) demand to be perfect, flawless, and balanced. To be fair, I am so very proud of the job Chris and I are doing in bringing up our two amazing children, and I am so thankful that he can balance me out!
I put so much pressure on myself to get it right all the time – the first time – every time. How have I neglected myself the opportunity to learn as I go? How naïve to think that I didn’t need to practice being a great mom – every day. I find I don’t want to accept in myself my shortcomings as a parent and am unbelievably hard on myself. We are hard on ourselves as parents. We expect ourselves to get it right all the time.
I am silly.
We are silly.
As a kid, one of the household understandings was very simple, “as long as you are doing your best, I will be proud.” As I try to pass this wisdom on to my kids, I question the authenticity of my position. I want them to know that working hard and challenging themselves is what creates us and moves us; however, it is not always easy, nor will it guarantee success. Practicing is often dirty and frustrating.
Each day I want to be a better parent and refrain from outbursts, wash fewer dishes, answer the first time they call me, put down the phone, and actually be with them. Under one perspective I see this person – this mom – scrutinizing each personal foul and kicking the dirt at each bump, and then I see my two children (Brayden-4 and Eden-1.5) and know that I am modeling the actions my children will one day recreate. Yet I am trying to teach them to work hard and accept themselves for who they are. The contradiction is alarming.
Titus 2:7 tells us to “Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity and dignity.” It so clearly calls us to practice in a way that demonstrates goodness and grace. We have to remind ourselves that there’s true beauty – true grace – in the bumps in the road: They bring with them growth and an opportunity for grace. As in yoga, we stretch and stumble and breathe and accept it and then stretch more: We must do so with parenting.
The hard truth is that parenting is painful – it is hard. Yes. BUT – The pain is a sign that we becoming something more. I see it during each stage where I finally understand them and the next moment they throw a curve ball – they change. They are unpredictable, and the frustration is a reminder that our children are growing and developing and becoming more. Their development is the most amazing thing I have been blessed to bear witness to. It has been the greatest blessing and the greatest challenge of my life. And it is my responsibility to teach my children that they have immeasurable value and can find and give grace everywhere.
We will do this by accepting within ourselves our flaws, forgiving ourselves of these flaws, and embracing where we are in our journey. We will show them with our actions, our beliefs, and our words. Grace UCC’s precious motto reads, “No matter who you are and where you are on life’s journey, you are fully welcome here.” Each time I read this I am warmed inside with a tremendous amount of acceptance and grace, for the words are truth without question. It is this same feeling and these same words I want my kids to embrace, so I need to begin embracing them for myself.
So parenting is a whole lot like yoga. It requires me to take the time, take the breath, and take a chill pill. We will not get it right all of the time, but when we expect ourselves to learn parenting or learn yoga, we are denying ourselves the growth within the journey. When we look at the bumps in the road, we miss the changing of the seasons and beauty in change. I am learning to get back in the racecar (metaphorically…for now) and push myself as far as I can, and then to push a little further. Find the patience for it demonstrates grace. Be forgiving as it opens a door for growth. Laugh a lot for joy feels good on everyone. And show up tomorrow with integrity and hope!
I tell you all of this for one simple reason – I have chosen to write this column. It is a stretch for me in the balance of life, but this column is going to be a display of my practice as a parent. Some will be rather insightful and others will likely make you scratch your head in wonder, but I am going to embrace this practice in parenting, life, and writing. My only qualifications for writing this are that I love my children immensely, and I am willing to try new things. To some I may be spot on, and to others I may be way off, but the truth is mine, and that makes it the very best truth I know.
A favorite sermon of mine is one where Pastor Dan calls us to “Cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude”. It is an attitude I need to be reminded of frequently, so each month I will end with an “attitude” in case I miss the mark above. So mine for this month is this: I will work to be grateful for the growing pains of parenting for they are signs that we are all becoming more. I will allow myself to practice parenting and release manifested demands. I will forgive myself and simply do my best each day with integrity and grace. I will laugh.
What will yours be? And as your Life Coach, how can I help you practice in a way that allows your best self to shine? How can we welcome more grace into your space?
