Confidence isn’t something you either have or don’t—it’s something you build, just like a muscle. And like any muscle, it grows with use. Confidence is what happens when you take what you’ve learned—your awareness of yourself, your ability to set boundaries—and start trusting yourself enough to act on it.
Think of it this way: Awareness opens your eyes. Boundaries define your space. And confidence? Confidence is what lets you step forward boldly, knowing you belong.
If you’ve ever thought, I’ll be confident once I have more experience, more knowledge, more proof that I’m good enough—pause right there. Confidence isn’t something you earn after you’ve “arrived.” It’s something you build while you’re showing up, making choices, and learning along the way. And the best part? You don’t have to wait. You can start building it today.
Let’s talk about how.
1. Embrace the Power of No
Saying “no” is one of the fastest ways to build confidence. Why? Because every time you say no to something that drains you, distracts you, or doesn’t align with your values, you’re actually saying yes to yourself. And that yes is powerful.
Here’s the trick: You don’t need to over-explain. No is a complete sentence. You can soften it with kindness, but you don’t owe anyone an essay about why you’re protecting your time and energy.
Try it:
“I appreciate you thinking of me, but I won’t be able to commit to that.”
“That sounds great, but I need to honor my current priorities.”
“No, but thank you for asking!”
The more you practice, the easier it gets—and the more you’ll trust yourself to honor what truly matters.
2. Celebrate Every Win—Big and Small
Confidence thrives on recognition. And while it’s lovely to have others cheer you on, the most important voice you need to hear is your own.
Take a moment to acknowledge what you’ve accomplished—yes, even the small things! Did you speak up in a meeting? Set a boundary? Show up for yourself in a way you wouldn’t have a year ago? That matters.
Confidence doesn’t come from waiting until you’ve “made it.” It comes from recognizing how far you’ve already come.
Try this: At the end of the day, jot down one thing you did well. No matter how small. Over time, you’ll start seeing patterns—evidence that you are capable, strong, and growing every day.
3. Silence Your Inner Critic (or At Least Lower Its Volume)
We all have that voice inside that whispers, Are you sure? What if you mess this up? What if you’re not good enough? That voice is loudest when you’re stepping outside your comfort zone—which, ironically, is exactly where confidence is built.
Here’s the truth: Confidence isn’t the absence of fear or doubt. It’s the decision to keep going anyway.
The next time your inner critic pipes up, challenge it:
Is this thought based on facts or just fear?
Would I say this to a friend?
What’s the best that could happen?
Most of the time, you’ll realize that self-doubt is just noise. And you get to decide how much you listen.
4. Take Small (but Mighty) Actions
Confidence doesn’t come from waiting. It comes from doing. The more you take action—even small, wobbly steps—the more you reinforce the belief that you can handle challenges.
Not sure where to start? Break it down. Instead of saying, “I need to be more confident in my career,” set a smaller, doable goal:
Speak up once in the next meeting.
Reach out to someone you admire.
Take on a small challenge that stretches you just a little.
Confidence compounds. Each small win adds up, creating momentum that makes the next step feel easier.
5. Surround Yourself with People Who See Your Greatness
Confidence may start within, but it’s nurtured by the people around us. Who’s in your circle? Do they lift you up, remind you of your strengths, and encourage your growth? Or do they make you second-guess yourself?
Seek out the people who challenge you in the best way—the ones who remind you of your brilliance when you forget. And if you don’t have that circle yet, start creating it. Join groups, find mentors, or connect with like-minded people who want to see you win.
Confidence flourishes in the right environment. Give yourself that gift.
6. Remember: Confidence Is a Practice, Not a Destination
There’s no finish line where you suddenly feel 100% confident forever. (Wouldn’t that be nice?) Confidence ebbs and flows, and that’s okay. The key is to keep practicing.
Show up. Take the risk. Trust yourself.
With each step, you reinforce the belief that you are capable, strong, and worthy—because you are.
Final Thoughts
Confidence isn’t about being the loudest in the room. It’s not about never feeling fear. It’s about knowing who you are, honoring your needs, and trusting yourself enough to take action—even when it’s uncomfortable.
And remember: You don’t have to feel confident to act confident. Sometimes, the best way to build confidence is simply to begin.
You’ve already done the work of becoming more aware. You’ve set the boundaries to protect what matters. Now, it’s time to step forward with confidence—knowing that every step you take is shaping you into the person you are meant to be.
This discussion with myself has been so profound. So profound in fact that it inspired my first real solo episode on And All the Things! You can listen to it here!
In a recent episode of my podcast, “And all the Things,” I have the privilege of interviewing Corey Hennings (#38), the host of the Sober By Design podcast. Our conversation wove deep into his journey of addiction and recovery, unraveling layers of insight and understanding. Little did I know that amidst our discussion, a profound realization would emerge—a realization that would ignite a journey of introspection and exploration.
As Corey and I explored the complexities of addiction, I found myself confronting a revelation of my own: I am addicted to Audible and podcasts. In the midst of my endless stream of audio content, I have unwittingly surrendered to the temptation of constant stimulation, drowning out the subtle (and not so subtle) whispers of my own thoughts and emotions. It was a moment of startling clarity—a recognition that amidst the noise, I have carelessly sacrificed the invaluable gift of silence.
It became clear to me that I have been contemplating this ‘issue’ for some time when I looked back to a Sermon I wrote in September titled: “Let Every Voice but God’s be Still in Me.” (from A Course in Miracles). I speak of silence with reverie and trusting the voice within. I speak honestly and with conviction. And then I probably put on my ear buds and listened to a book as I managed my day. As I reflect on this, I have to laugh at my lack of self-awareness and marvel at my ability to start the process unknowingly.
Since I have researched and understood silence for the sermon, I began to explore the word addiction. It is a dependency. A compulsion. A distraction.
And more often than not a harmful one. In talking with Corey I learned, it is something we attach to externally in order to fulfill something internally and that addiction is a complex experience unique to everyone. And this hit home. Yes, we know this is true, but when we look at the many ways we try to fill our cups (with substances, spending, sex, doom scrolling, and oh so much more), we find we need to look further.
In preparation for the podcast and as a practice of regular self-reflection, I started thinking about what I am addicted to—what I am dependent on, what I am compulsive about, what I allow to distract me from myself? I felt good that I am much closer and healthier in my relationships with food, alcohol, sleep, health, and more, but I left my relationship with silence in the shadows. As I talked with Corey, it became clear that I was externally filling myself to avoid dancing with my own thoughts.
Now, does my relationship with silence (or lack thereof) compare with other harmful relationships? No…at least not at first glance.
Can it physically harm me or someone else? No.
Can I become distracted and detached? Yes.
Can I become dependent on the stimulus? Yes.
Can I turn down my creativity and curiosity? Yes. And I did.
THIS, my friends, is tragic.
I hear you saying, “seriously”? Comparing the relationship to audio content to addiction? Is that really tragic?
The answer is yes – I am. And yes – it is. When we silence the voice within, we are silencing our divine within – our God within. This silencing of my own voice (the one that plays relentlessly and curiously in my mind) is a tragedy. Whatever we believe spiritually, there is magic in each one of us, and that unique voice should not be silenced. When we silence the voice within, we suffer and the world suffers with us.
It was in this moment of acknowledgment that my curiosity was sparked—the curiosity to explore the true value and power of silence. Because even though I lean into the Woo-Woo, I also like my proof!
In our rapidly moving and rather noisy culture, silence has become a rare and precious commodity—a sanctuary amidst the cacophony, a refuge for the soul. Mystics of yester-year understood this intrinsic need for stillness, retreating to the hills and forests in search of answers in the silence. In the tranquil depths of quiet contemplation, they discovered renewal, clarity, and communion with the divine.
In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, the power of pause is often overlooked, yet it is essential for our well-being, much like the restorative power of sleep. Just as still waters run deep, it is in the serenity of silence that we unearth profound insights and awaken to the truth that lies beneath the surface.
Across diverse spiritual traditions, the importance of silence is echoed—a universal reminder of its transformative potential. Looking to Christianity to Buddhism to Judaism and beyond, we encounter the profound truth that direct language fails to capture the essence of the divine. Instead, it is through the gentle embrace of silence and mindful observation that we catch glimpses of God’s presence reflected in the world around us. Prophets, saints, and sages throughout history have sought solace in solitude, recognizing that amidst the silence, clarity emerges as the Divine within.
So there’s the Woo-Woo part, but we don’t stop with the religious or philosophical understanding, we can also look to the revelations of neuroscience which confirm the restorative power of silence, offering a confirmation for our weary minds and frayed nerves.
Here’s what I learned:
At its core, silence is not just a passive state but an active force that shapes our brains and cognition. Research in neuroscience reveals that moments of silence trigger a plethora of neurological responses. In the quietude, our brains engage in introspection, self-awareness, and emotional regulation. Functional MRI studies demonstrate increased activity in regions associated with deep thinking and creativity when the mind is allowed to wander in silence.
In a world saturated with stimuli, silence offers a sanctuary for mental health. Chronic exposure to noise has been linked to heightened stress levels, anxiety, and depression. Conversely, moments of silence provide respite from the relentless assault on our senses, allowing the mind to unwind and recalibrate. Even brief periods of silence have been shown to reduce blood pressure, heart rate, and cortisol levels—markers of the body’s stress response.
In silence, creativity flourishes. When the mind is unburdened by external distractions, it is free to explore new realms of thought and imagination. Studies have shown that silence enhances problem-solving abilities, promotes divergent thinking, and fosters innovation. From artists to scientists, many luminaries attribute their breakthroughs to moments of profound silence, where ideas crystallize and inspiration takes flight.
Silence is not only a balm for the brain but also a catalyst for physical healing. In the absence of noise, the body enters a state of deep relaxation conducive to restorative sleep and rejuvenation. Regular exposure to silence has been associated with improved immune function, reduced inflammation, and enhanced recovery from physical and mental fatigue. In a world plagued by the epidemic of chronic stress, silence emerges as a potent antidote—a tonic for the body, mind, and spirit.
In a culture that glorifies busyness and noise, embracing silence may seem counterintuitive. Yet, the path to true well-being often lies in the spaces between the noise—the moments of quiet contemplation and introspection that nourish the soul and allow us to make clear, confident choices. Whether through mindfulness practices, meditation, or simply seeking out pockets of tranquility in our daily lives, cultivating silence is a transformative act of self-care.
In the sacred space between stimulus and response lies the power of the pause—a moment of reflection, a pathway to clarity. As we navigate the complexities of life, let us embrace the transformative potential of silence, inviting it to infuse our being with peace and purpose.
I invite you to consider the profound wisdom found in the simple act of pausing, of allowing every voice but God’s to be still within us. As we cultivate this practice of intentional silence, may we awaken to the richness of inner peace and the boundless possibilities that unfold when we listen deeply to the whispers of our soul. Can you hear yours?
If you are ready to find the divine voice within you, you are right on time. I specialize in supporting female leaders who feel adrift, as if they’ve lost control of steering their lives toward the purpose they were destined for. On the surface, they appear to have it all together, yet inside, they are silently and violently falling apart.
They linger in the shadows of their existence, longing for the spotlight on their personal center stage. Wrestling with the cacophony of external pressures, they struggle to hear their own divine voice, resulting in dwindling self-worth, exhaustion, detachment, and silent suffering. Together, we embark on a journey to reshape their perspective, establish empowered boundaries, and cast them as the protagonists of their lives, regardless of the act or scene.
This is an invitation to be seen and to be heard but first to gain clarity through slowing down, quieting down, and raising our hearts up.
Sign up for the email list to receive the free “What are you Tolerating?” workshop and follow me on Instagram to stay connected!
Check out Corey and the Sober by Design podcast on Instagram!
Here are your takeaways:
Silence is Transformative: Silence isn’t just the absence of noise; it’s a powerful force that shapes our brains and well-being. Embracing moments of silence can lead to increased creativity, mental clarity, and emotional balance.
Silence Promotes Healing: Regular exposure to silence has been associated with improved immune function, reduced stress levels, and enhanced physical and mental recovery. Cultivating a practice of silence can be a powerful tool for overall health and well-being.
Silence Nourishes Creativity: In the quietude of silence, our minds are free to explore new realms of thought and imagination. Many luminaries attribute their breakthroughs to moments of profound silence, where ideas crystallize and inspiration takes flight.
Silence is a Path to Inner Peace: Amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life, embracing silence offers a sanctuary for the soul. By slowing down, quieting the mind, and listening deeply to our inner voice, we can discover a profound sense of peace and purpose within ourselves.
The holiday season is often hailed as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. It’s a time when we come together with family and friends, exchange gifts, and create lasting memories. However, for many, the holiday season can also be a source of stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil. Balancing the desire for a perfect holiday with the realities of family dynamics and personal well-being can be a challenging task. This is where the art of setting healthy boundaries comes into play despite the common belief that holiday boundaries are a myth.
From my experience as a true believer (at 43 years old) in the magic of Christmas, as a young girl who grew up engulfed each season with traditions, gatherings, and very high expectations, and as the mother of two little elves who deserve it all, I am here to tell you that trudging forward taking on one more task and tradition is not the answer to finding holiday magic.
After years of striving for perfection each holiday (yes all of them) for my babies to hold the fondness I recall from my own childhood, I now know that the true magic of the season is doing less and being present more. So let’s take a quick journey:
Close your eyes for a second. Now, think of the phrase “holiday season.” What comes to mind? Is it positive or negative? Do you feel excited or stressed? Is it too much in both directions to really be present?
Although holidays can be very uplifting for some of us, not all may feel the same way. Read on to learn how to reduce holiday stress by setting boundaries.
Boundaries:
Boundaries are the invisible yet powerful threads that weave through our lives, allowing us to savor cherished moments with loved ones while alleviating stress and overwhelm. They are the essence of intentional living, fostering genuine connections and authentic relationships.
In essence, boundaries are the guidelines we set for ourselves, delineating what is acceptable and unacceptable in our lives. They provide a framework for managing expectations, responsibilities, and emotions. It’s crucial to acknowledge that boundaries aren’t about distancing ourselves from loved ones but about nurturing our inner peace and preserving our emotional well-being.
Healthy boundaries, as described by Brené Brown, can be summarized as the delineation of what is acceptable and unacceptable in your life. These boundaries are crucial for finding inner peace and safety.
Establishing boundaries offers a wealth of benefits. It not only shields us but also enriches our relationships, fostering mutual respect and trust. Moreover, it grants us enhanced self-confidence by clarifying our values, identity, and desires. This self-awareness acts as a safeguard against burnout, amplifies self-esteem, and fortifies our ability to assert ourselves.
At pivotal moments, the pause becomes essential. Between stimulus and response, we have a choice. In this moment, the choices we make will determine the rest of our lives. So at this busy time of year, our choices about finances, time, energy, consumption, and expectations, we must slow down, pause, and choose what we actually want to and are able to do.
Choices, whether big or small during the holiday season, prompt reflection on our values and available resources. It’s about weighing options, perhaps taking a half-day off work for peaceful present wrapping or considering alternatives like gift bags. The goal is to align our choices with what resonates best with our individual needs.
What Happens During the Holidays?
Before you can set boundaries, it’s essential to identify your needs. What aspects of the holiday season trigger anxiety or stress in you? By acknowledging and understanding your emotional triggers, you can begin to chart a path toward a more peaceful holiday experience. For instance, if the thought of attending multiple family parties fills you with dread, consider selectively choosing those events that align with your schedule and personal values.
Focused on a fantasy
We can get sucked into the fantasy that everything should be perfect. A lot of that comes from the pictures that movies and social media paints.
Stirs up memories & feelings
You may display feelings that come from your past experiences during this time of the year. Without realizing it, the holidays can bring to the surface feelings both good and bad.
Expectations and longings
Some people hold onto memories, which create expectations for the future. Maybe good memories mean you’ve set high expectations and you’re trying to recreate memories. If your memories are negative, you may try to turn things around. You may feel like it’s your responsibility to make things better for yourself and for your family. Either way, if you don’t succeed you’re left feeling disappointed.
More people, more needs
During the holidays, you might feel like you’re being pulled in many different directions, by different people. You want to please everyone, but your own needs are compromised along the way.
The gifts, gifts, gifts
Both gifting and receiving gifts can be stressful. This is especially true if giving and receiving gifts is your partner’s love language.
Familiar and familial roles
Another reason the holidays can be hard on relationships is the family dynamics that come out. Oftentimes, people fall back into the role they had growing up, and your partner sees you in a new way.
Cultural Clashes
Maybe you and your partner come from different cultures and have different ways to celebrate the season. It can be tricky, trying to honor two different traditions.
Politics and other polarizing topics
More people means more opinions. Even if you’re not blending together different cultures, there are countless topics to disagree on, especially in today’s political climate. Get ahead of it!
5 Ways to Set boundaries:
Be clear on what’s truly important. Listen to yourself.
1. Know Your Limits: Recognize when you’re reaching your emotional or physical limits. Stress often arises from taking on too much or feeling overwhelmed. Identifying your triggers allows you to develop strategies for managing them.
Setting boundaries can be met with resistance. Not everyone may understand or appreciate your need for personal space and emotional preservation. In such instances, it’s crucial to be prepared for pushback. Remember that pushback often signifies the necessity of boundaries and should not deter you from maintaining your emotional well-being.
In some instances, your boundaries may be violated. When this happens, do not hesitate to excuse yourself from uncomfortable conversations or events. Prioritize your emotional and mental well-being, even if it means temporarily distancing yourself from challenging situations. Remember that boundaries are a form of self-care.
2. Prepare to Speak Up: Be ready to communicate your boundaries calmly and confidently. Utilize affirmations to boost your self-assurance and focus on the positive aspects of the situation or the people involved.
Effective boundary setting requires clear and direct communication. Be upfront about your boundaries, avoiding ambiguity. For instance, if you’d rather not discuss your love life with your parents, communicate this directly, stating that such conversations are off-limits. Clarity simplifies the understanding of your boundaries, even if others do not fully comprehend them.
3. Communicate Clearly and Directly: Clearly and directly communicate your boundaries using “I” statements. These statements explain how specific behaviors affect you, making it easier for others to respect your boundaries.
The success of boundaries lies in their consistent enforcement. If you occasionally let your boundaries slide, it sends the message that they are not a priority. Consistency demonstrates your commitment to your boundaries and encourages others to respect them as well. By adhering to your own boundaries, you set an example of self-respect that others will also follow.
4. Don’t Hesitate to Say “No”: Sometimes, a simple “no” without elaboration is sufficient. You do not always have to provide an explanation. I like to add in a “thank-you” as that aligns with my personality, but Anne Lamotte reminds us that “No is a complete sentence.”
5. Acknowledge Your Efforts: Setting boundaries is a significant achievement. Even if not everyone accepts them, remember that you’re prioritizing your well-being. I often say, “If you are offended by my boundaries, you are probably the reason I have them.” You are doing this for you, through you, and because of YOU. This is not about them, and you deserve to celebrate the efforts you are making for the future version of you.
Over time, setting boundaries becomes more comfortable, and your emotional and physical safety will grow!
Boundaries are Built over Time:
The following is text(quotes in italics) taken from the We Can Do Hard Things Podcast with Melissa Urban who is the co-founder and CEO of Whole30, a six time New York Times best selling author and her recent book, The Book of Boundaries is packed with insights and practical applications. In this episode of the podcast, she outlines how we bring boundaries to our encounters using a three level approach to introduce, reinforce, and then enforce what is and is not acceptable to you.
“Green is the gentlest, kindest language. You are assuming that the person didn’t know you had a limit and wants to be respectful and healthy in your relationship. You’ll share this green language and see where it goes.”
“Yellow is okay, this person is either forgetting or unwilling or reluctant to respect my boundary, now my language needs to be a bit more direct. It’s still kind, but it’s more direct and impactful. I may share a consequence here, like if we can’t change the tone of this discussion, then I’ll be leaving the room for five minutes so we can take a break.”
“The red level boundary is if the behavior continues to escalate: this is the boundary, this is the consequence, this is the action that I am going to take to keep myself safe and healthy, which is I’m going to interrupt you. The way you are speaking to me right now does not feel okay to me. I’m going to leave for an hour and when I come back we can resume. That’s your red.“
What this means is that establishing boundaries isn’t just about setting limits; it’s about communicating them effectively in a way that respects both yourself and the other person. Using the traffic light analogy—green, yellow, and red—allows for a gradual escalation in the assertiveness of your communication, ensuring that you prioritize respect and understanding while reinforcing what is and isn’t acceptable. It’s a method that not only asserts your needs but also invites mutual respect and healthy dynamics in relationships by addressing issues in a clear, compassionate, and assertive manner.
Example Phrases you Can Use:
These are examples I have used or encountered over time and collected for you. This particular list is by no means the only way to communicate boundaries, but these phrases are a great place to stir your curiosity about where you can benefit from building some boundaries this holiday season!
I would love to keep this tradition as it has been precious, but I have competing demands and will need to let you know.
I’d prefer you not comment on my eating habits.
I’m sorry you feel hurt, I would never want to hurt you. I just have other priorities.
I hope it doesn’t ruin things for you, that would be a shame. I’m telling you now to in hopes that other arrangements can be made.
I’d love to host at my house again, but it will have to be a potluck and I’ll need help cleaning up afterward.
I’m complimented you’d ask me to help but unfortunately, I have too much going on and I need to turn it over to someone else this year.
I know it’s a free country, and I appreciate that you’re entitled to your opinion, but that language makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t want to fight about it and ruin our good time, so let’s change the subject. [Then change the subject.]
Please don’t say that to me. It makes me uncomfortable even if you mean it as a compliment.
Please don’t make those jokes about [group] in front of the children. They’re real copycats and telling those jokes could get them into trouble at school and hurt their friends’ feelings.
I know that I’ve done X for as long as anyone can remember, but my financial situation no longer permits me to do that. I know it’s the end of an era but it can also be the start of a great new one.
No. (You heard that right. As I said, I like to add in a “thank-you” as that aligns with my personality, but “No is a complete sentence.” ~Anne Lamotte.)
Do’s and Do Not’s of Holiday Boundaries
These lists are not exhaustive, but they are a good, quick reminder of ways you can conserve your precious energy and time and allow space for a more joyous encounter!
And You are Off!
Setting boundaries during the holiday season is not an act of isolation; it’s a declaration of self-care. By establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, you can create a holiday season that aligns with your values and needs, fostering joy, peace, and fulfillment. Working with a coach throughout the year is a great way to build and benefit from the your unique boundaries. If you are curious about coaching and want to get a sample, follow this link to find out more information on the Course for Joy: a transformative and self-guided journey to finding more joy in your life.
As you embark on this holiday journey, remember that your well-being is paramount, and your boundaries are the tools to safeguard it. Wishing you a holiday season filled with joy and a deep sense of personal contentment.
**This content was joyfully crafted for a workshop for the Womxn of Tomorrow community! I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to be an EducateHer with this collection of beautiful souls!
In our fast-paced world, it’s essential to prioritize self-care and establish healthy boundaries to protect our well-being, but far too often, we suck at doing just that. Living in a world with healthy boundaries is not beyond your reach. There is so much noise in the world today, and within it are so many misconceptions about boundaries, and we are going to demystify them.
Discover how setting boundaries is an act of self-care that benefits both you and your relationships.
Break free from the misconception that boundaries are self-centered, and instead, learn how they pave the way for a healthier and happier you while deepening your connections with others.
Learn the gentle art of boundary setting and understand that it’s about self-expression – not aggression.
Here’s a quick video where I get asked by the one and only Laura Bell Bundy, founder of the Womxn of Tomorrow platform, to share three things about boundaries. As an EducateHer for the community and a leader in B.I.G. Believe.Inspire.Grow empowerment community, I have the honor of discussing boundaries monthly with the incredible humans who show up with us! There is so much to say, so I figured I would share some thoughts with you!
Let’s get clear on a few things as we head out on a transformative adventure of self-discovery, empowerment, and liberation without intimidation. Are you ready to rewrite your boundaries and strengthen your relationships? Let’s break down some myths and explore your truth!
The Truth about Boundaries
Boundaries are: “I love you, I love us, and I love ME.” Three things can be true at the same moment. Not all will be the priority in each moment, but when each person’s needs are met and managed, everyone can find peace. Setting boundaries is a healthy act of self-care that benefits both you and your relationships, and they become the sturdy framework of a house; they provide structure and support for our mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
“There is no one way liberation” Liz Gilbert. We hold this idea that putting boundaries in place and implementing them will be a self-centered act. In order to truly benefit from boundaries, we must break free from the misconception that boundaries are self-centered. In reality, they are the key to a healthier and happier you, paving the way for deeper connections. To bring this to light, we must become aware – curious. Listen to your inner voice – the voice that knows what feels safe, strong, and sure. Too often we let the noise of the world amplify beyond this voice, but we must turn down the noise.
Understand that boundaries are about expressing your needs, not telling others what to do. Find your voice and assert your boundaries with grace bu understanding that there are three ways to communicate: aggressive, assertive, and passive.
Aggressive:
Setting boundaries in an aggressive manner often involves forceful or confrontational behavior. Instead of expressing your needs, you might end up demanding or dictating what others should do. This approach can lead to conflict and strain relationships, as it lacks the sensitivity required for effective communication.
Assertive:
On the other hand, being assertive in setting boundaries means expressing your needs with confidence, clarity, and respect. It’s about finding the right balance between standing up for yourself and being considerate of others. Assertive communication allows you to define your boundaries while maintaining open and healthy relationships.
Passive:
In contrast, passive individuals tend to avoid conflict by not asserting their boundaries at all. They may not express their needs or preferences, which can lead to frustration and resentment. It’s crucial to recognize that passivity in boundary setting can negatively impact your well-being and relationships because your needs go unaddressed.
So, remember, the key is to aim for an assertive approach when setting boundaries. It allows you to express your needs clearly while respecting the needs and boundaries of others, ultimately leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Setting boundaries is perceived to be an act of pushing away, of putting distance between you and the other. But a boundary in its most sacred form is simply delineating between what happens within a certain space & what does not. In this sense, creating boundaries is a drawing in rather than a pushing away.
Anne Lamott’s statement, “No is a complete sentence,” holds a profound truth when it comes to setting boundaries. This simple yet powerful phrase encapsulates the idea that you don’t need to provide elaborate justifications or explanations when you say no.
In essence, “No is a complete sentence” means that you have the right to assert your boundaries without feeling the need to offer lengthy excuses. Your decisions and limits are valid on their own. This concept empowers you to honor your needs and protect your well-being with clarity and confidence. It allows you to maintain a healthy balance between giving and receiving in your relationships, all while respecting your own values and boundaries.
Examples of healthy boundaries include:
Setting Personal Limits:
Demonstrating the ability to decline requests or commitments you’re not comfortable with.
Example: Politely declining an invitation to an event you’re not interested in attending.
Emotionally Responsible Communication:
Articulating your emotions in a thoughtful and considerate manner.
Example: Instead of angrily blaming someone for your frustration, you calmly express how their actions affected you.
Open and Honest Sharing:
Being candid about your experiences and thoughts.
Example: Sharing your personal struggles and achievements with a close friend.
Timely Responsiveness:
Providing timely responses when necessary.
Example: Promptly answering an important message or email to maintain effective communication.
Direct Conflict Resolution:
Confronting issues directly with the individual involved, rather than involving a third party.
Example: If you have a problem with a coworker, addressing it with them directly instead of complaining to your supervisor.
Transparent Expectations:
Clearly communicating your expectations to avoid misunderstandings.
Example: Discussing with your partner what you expect from a shared household, such as chores and responsibilities, rather than assuming they’ll know.
Boundaries are necessary when encounters or relationships leave you feeling anxious, resentful, or compromised. Boundaries also teach us the delicate art of vulnerability—the courage to be authentic and express our needs.
Examples of red flags:
Here are some examples of red flags that may indicate boundary violations:
Disregarding your explicit requests: When someone constantly ignores or dismisses your direct and clear requests, it’s a clear red flag. For instance, if you’ve asked a friend to stop sharing your personal information but they continue to do so, your boundaries are being violated.
Overstepping physical boundaries: This includes invading your personal space without permission, touching you in ways that make you uncomfortable, or not respecting your physical boundaries in intimate situations.
Constantly making demands: If someone frequently makes unreasonable demands on your time, energy, or resources without considering your needs or limitations, it’s a sign of boundary violation.
Ignoring your emotional boundaries: When someone invalidates your feelings, dismisses your emotions, or insists that you shouldn’t feel a certain way, it’s a violation of your emotional boundaries.
Gossip and spreading personal information: If someone is sharing your private information or discussing your personal life with others without your consent, it’s a breach of your confidentiality boundaries.
Unsolicited advice and judgment: Constantly offering unsolicited advice, criticism, or judgment about your choices, lifestyle, or decisions can indicate a violation of your boundaries.
Interrupting your personal time: When someone consistently disrupts your personal time, such as by calling or texting excessively during your downtime or expecting you to be available at all hours, it’s a sign that your boundaries are not being respected.
Manipulative behavior: Manipulation, guilt-tripping, or emotional coercion to get you to do something against your will is a clear boundary violation.
Crossing moral or ethical boundaries: Violating your values or ethical principles, such as pressuring you to engage in behavior that goes against your beliefs, is another significant red flag.
Stalking or harassment: Extreme cases of boundary violations can involve stalking, online harassment, or threats, which require immediate action to protect your safety and well-being.
It’s important to remember that setting and enforcing boundaries is your right, and it’s essential for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. If you notice any of these red flags, it’s crucial to address the issue and communicate your boundaries clearly. If the violations persist, you may need to reconsider the nature of the relationship or seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals.
It is not telling others what they can and cannot do. You are telling people what you will do. It is always from the self.
Setting boundaries is as much about what you are saying ‘yes’ to as it is about what you are saying ‘no’ to. It is actually generous to reveal your boundaries, and a deep act of vulnerability to ask for what you need. But first, you must realize that you always have a choice.
Between stimulus and response, you have a choice. Take the Pause. By cultivating a habit of pausing, we create a space between the stimulus and our response. In this space lies our power to choose. It’s in this moment that we can ask ourselves, “Do I truly want to engage in this situation? Is this my responsibility? What are my options? Is there someone else who could do it?” By acknowledging this choice, we empower ourselves to respond consciously rather than reactively.
Remember, ‘Choose Your Hard.’ What’s required is vulnerability and a deep connection with your unique values. It’s crucial to recognize that you can always change your mind. But when you do, you must communicate your boundaries as needed. As Seneca wisely stated, ‘We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.’
These principles emphasize the power of mindfulness and self-awareness, allowing you to make choices that align with your values. They remind us that we have the ability to pause, reflect, and decide how we respond to various situations, and that often, our perceptions can exaggerate challenges. ‘Choose Your Hard’ underscores the idea that life presents difficulties regardless of the path we choose, so it’s essential to align our choices with our values. Vulnerability is key in expressing our needs and boundaries, and the reminder that we can adapt and communicate as needed reinforces the flexibility of boundaries in different contexts.
The Art of Setting Boundaries
Discover the practical steps to boundary-setting:
Address Perspective: Challenge the truth of your beliefs.
Challenge Assumptions: Examine the agreements, both implicit and explicit.
Identify Non-Negotiables/Values: Simplify your values for clarity.
Educate on the New Way: Communicate your boundaries clearly and consistently.
Focus on Safety: Prioritize your well-being in every situation.
Maintain Consistency and Compassion
Embrace the bumps: Choose your hard, embrace the process, celebrate milestones, and navigate setbacks with compassion and resilience. The Journey of Practice: Honoring Progress, Embracing Imperfection. Building boundaries is a skill that strengthens over time with practice. By nurturing healthy boundaries, we create space for self-care, personal growth, and meaningful connections. Remember, progress, not perfection, is the key.
“Improving by 1% isn’t particularly notable, sometimes it isn’t even noticeable, but it can be far more meaningful – especially in the long run. If you can get 1% better each day for one year, you’ll end up 37 times better by the time you’re done.” ~ James Clear
Keep your eye on the energy drains & gains: Understand the concept of energy transactions and their impact. Recognize when you’re giving more than you’re receiving in any interaction as well as recognize when you are getting more (or enough) in situations. Focus on more of what you gain from and eliminate (or reevaluate) what drains you.
If they push back, evaluate the health of the relationship. “If you are offended by my boundaries, you are probably one of the reasons I have them’”
Know when to withdraw – to stay safe.
Check in daily with your emotional, financial, time availability, and resources. If you need a moment to think about it, take the moment.
Accountability is key. Find a coach, friend, trusted mentor, online group, or whatever – but find accountability.
Find your empowerment from within: Remember, your boundaries are about you and your well-being, regardless of external factors.
Why Set Boundaries?
Boundaries are designed to improve your relationships and ensure your own safety and health.
You Are Not Responsible for Others’ Reactions: Your responsibility is to communicate your boundaries kindly. How others respond is their journey.
Stay True to Your Path: Maintain your course with unwavering clarity. Your well-being is paramount. Stay curious.
Are you ready to rewrite your boundaries, strengthen your relationships, and step into your power? If you’re ready to explore the power of practice further and want guidance in cultivating boundaries and empowerment in your life, reach out to us. Our team of experts is here to support you on your path to personal growth and well-being.
Join me on the Course for Joy – a transformative journey towards finding your authentic self and embracing the joy that life has to offer.
Oprah says that we do all things from a place of either fear or love. We know we love the love part, but too often we hate (and therefore avoid) the fear part. Fear isn’t all it’s cracked up to be – it is vital to our survival and exists only to keep us alive. Yes – our cavemen brains still think tigers are going to attack us, and though we aren’t often in a position to be attacked by tigers, our brain’s attention to fear is real and can be pervasive. It is in these times that we need to explore how faith and the willingness to practice can help us confront our fears and live with joy and confidence.
Fear is a natural and necessary part of being human. It’s a programmed, evolutionary defense mechanism that helps us to avoid danger and stay alive. However, fear can also hold us backrestrain us from taking risks and pursuing our dreams. It’s important to recognize that fear is not necessarily a bad thing – in fact, it can be very useful in keeping us safe. But when fear is the only thing driving us, we may miss out on opportunities for growth and fulfillment.
To overcome our fears, we need to have faith in ourselves and in the universe. We need to believe that we have the strength and resilience to face whatever challenges come our way. Faith allows us to embrace uncertainty and to trust that everything will work out in the end. Faith can mean different things to different people – it may be a belief in a higher power, in oneself, or in the goodness of the universe. Whatever form it takes, faith can be a powerful tool in overcoming fear.
But faith alone is not enough. To build faith, we must be willing to practice. We need to be willing to take small steps towards our goals, even if we’re afraid. We need to be willing to try new things and to learn from our mistakes. This is where the concept of willingness comes in. It’s not enough to simply have faith – we need to be willing to take action. It’s often said that action is the antidote to fear, and this is true. By taking small steps towards our goals, we build confidence and resilience. We learn that failure is not the end of the world, but rather an opportunity to learn and grow. We learn that we are capable of more than we ever imagined.
So I encourage you to have faith in yourself and in the universe, and to be willing to practice. Embrace uncertainty and take small steps towards your goals, even if you’re afraid. Believe that you have the strength and resilience to face whatever challenges come your way. It’s important to remember that this is a journey, not a destination. We may never completely overcome our fears, but by having faith and practicing willingness, we can learn to live with them in a way that allows us to pursue our dreams and live with joy and confidence.
With faith and practice, you can confront your fears and live with joy and confidence. You can overcome any obstacle and achieve your dreams. If you need support finding this space for yourself, working with a coach can help you get there. Sign up here for a 30-minute consultation!
May faith and willingness to practice guide you on your journey to joy!
Are you tired of feeling like you’re living a life that’s not true to who you really are? Are you ready to embrace your authentic self and show up in the world as the real you? If so, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with finding their true selves and living authentically. But the good news is that there are signs that can help you know when your authentic self is shining through. Here are 7 of them:
1. Boundaries are now your superpower
When you’re living authentically, you know your limits and you’re not afraid to enforce them. You’re able to set boundaries that protect your time, energy, and emotions, and you’re not afraid to say no to things that don’t align with your values or priorities.
2. Your awareness has been raised around noticing behaviors
Living authentically requires a heightened sense of self-awareness. You become more in tune with your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and you’re able to recognize when you’re acting in a way that’s not aligned with your authentic self. You’re also more aware of the behaviors of others and how they may be impacting you.
3. You’re more in tune with your emotional responses
One of the most important aspects of living authentically is being able to express your emotions in a healthy way. When your authentic self is shining through, you’re more in tune with your emotional responses and you’re able to express them in a way that’s authentic and true to who you are.
4. You’re able to hold multiple truths at the same time
Living authentically isn’t about having all the answers or having a single, fixed identity. It’s about being able to hold multiple truths at the same time and allowing yourself to grow and evolve over time. When your authentic self is shining through, you’re able to embrace the complexities of life and hold multiple perspectives without feeling conflicted or confused.
5. You’re ager to learn new things, cultivate deeper connections, and find more peace in your life
Living authentically is a journey, not a destination. When your authentic self is shining through, you’re always eager to learn new things, deepen your connections with others, and find more peace in your life. You’re not afraid to take risks, try new things, and challenge yourself to grow and evolve.
6. You understand that other people’s issues and projections have nothing to do with you
One of the biggest obstacles to living authentically is the opinions and projections of others. When your authentic self is shining through, you understand that other people’s issues and projections have nothing to do with you. You don’t take it personally when someone tries to bring you down or when they don’t understand your journey.
7. You feel a sense of calm and contentment within yourself, and you’re able to show up authentically in all areas of your life
Finally, when your authentic self is shining through, you feel a sense of calm and contentment within yourself. You’re able to show up authentically in all areas of your life, from your personal relationships to your professional endeavors. You’re not afraid to be yourself, and you know that your authentic self is worthy of love, respect, and acceptance.
If you’re struggling to connect with your authentic self, a certified life coach can help you navigate the journey. A life coach can help you identify and overcome the obstacles that are holding you back from living your most authentic life. Remember, the journey to self-discovery is a rewarding one, and you are worth it!
Here’s the trouble with being a good parent – it’s impossible to get just right when the rules of engagement change every day. Let me lay it out for you:
The expectation in the beginning: I will be the best parent ever. The books I will read will help me do it just right. I learned so much on my journey, certainly I can make the world right for this tiny human. Everyone else has done it perfectly, so surely I can.
The reality: I feel like I am failing. I am too tired. I am not enjoying all of this like I am supposed to. I am not nearly as good as the parents I see around me. I am not enough for my kids.
The hard truth: You are not perfect. You are a parent. You are a human. You are a hero. And you are likely a hot mess.
The real struggle here is to remedy the conflict between who we are trying to be and who we are authentically meant to be. The struggle is to revamp the expectations and be clear on what we will use to measure ourselves.
How do we do it: We identify our values, our goals, and our opportunities. Then we bust out our obstacles.
Why do we do it: The cycle will continue unless we change it, and the cycle can be dark.
The real goal: Let them become who they authentically are (especially in a way that you were never offered). This is where we avoid the ”Encanto Effect”. You know, where each character has a special gift (which sounds totally awesome), but that gift becomes their defining feature and smothers the exploration of other talents and emotions and experiences.
What gifts did you withhold in the name of pleasing others and aligning to their expectations? What gifts are still waiting to be revealed? What gifts can you help your kids explore?
Whose perfection are you seeking?
In martial arts, we practiced the Dojo Kun – the way of being within the dojo and out in the world shared through 5 simple mantras. One was, “Seek Perfection of Character”. What this reminds me is that we are not practicing to be perfect performers. We are practicing to:
SEEK: attempt or desire to obtain or achieve
PERFECTION: the action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible. For our purposes today – let’s focus on the process of improving to meet standards of our own choosing.)
of CHARACTER (the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual)
When I sum that up I get this: one must desire/attempt the act of improving the qualities unique to them. This reminds us to open the pathway of their journey, grab some pom-poms, and start cheering them on. The critical answer here is understanding we should each be seeking our OWN perfection only to be found on our own journey which means we have to let them become.
But this is scary. To allow them to become something unknown – to figure life out on their own terms is freaking scary. The thought of letting them struggle or endure sadness is intolerable. The record in my brain kept playing this dreaded tune on repeat: “a good parent makes sure their kids are happy, safe, and comfortable all the time, and you will be a good parent.”
I always told my kids that my job was to protect them. When I began saying it, I deeply meant to protect them from all things bad and dangerous. For my brand new babies, it was quite literally making sure they stay alive. I was comfortable with my proclamation of protection. Then as they grew, I realized it wasn’t just the protection of physical safety I was promising but also I was trying to protect them from suffering. I wanted to keep the monsters not only out of the closet but out of the state, the country, and everywhere. I wanted a life for them free of suffering.
BUT Life is not just made of happiness. The inevitability of life is just this: we will endure both the highs of happiness and the lows of suffering. Neither will remain. Neither can be anticipated. We can only be in the moment and be aware that the next moment changes. My kids will encounter some of the truly deepest feelings of celebration and exultation, and they will be faced with some impossible situations and feelings.
If I block their experience from suffering, I will deny them the necessary opportunity to learn to manage their great big feelings in a way that will help navigate their journey. I cannot buffer them from suffering. That is on them to manage. My job is to instill the desire and the courage to protect themselves, to trust themselves, and to enjoy themselves.
So while it pains me to watch my kids struggle with anything, I also know I want to raise happy, healthy, independent, financially stable, contributing members of society who are unique and sure of who they are. However they choose to do it, I will support them, but I know today that I owe it to them to teach them to find their joy amidst the happiness and suffering as they embark upon this bumpy, beautiful journey.
I won’t tell you it‘s easy – But I will tell you time and again that you can endure it with more joy for you and for them. And I will tell you that I have your back. In this coaching practice, we will dig into what values drive you at your core, what aspects of life you are tolerating, and which resources can be tapped to help you bring your best self back to life. We will do this for you and to help you love the people who count on you!
You don’t have to be a good parent in all the ways and in all the things, but setting your sights on seeking the perfection of your unique character will make you great!
You are worth it, and the world needs all of us to shine brighter.
Today is Day #1. Philosophically, everyday we awaken is Day #1 – a chance to renew hope and back it with action – everyday offers us the gift of a new start. But today is a special Day #1 for me. Today I let my hidden treasure fully out of the box – today I fully commit to helping you find yours.
I resigned from my full-time position as VP of Marketing of Fimbel ADS to devote all of my energy to fulfilling my life’s purpose: empowering others to shine their best light, for this is the only way I know to change the world. I have been practicing my craft for the last two years while balancing my ‘day job’, and the balance has shifted in favor of Joy, Inc. – in favor of you! I knowingly watched my light fade in a hampster wheel attempt to serve others, and while the days were sometime hard and overwhelming, the growth and the opportunity to learn were tremendous.
We so easily get buried in the doing of the day to day that we forget what we are doing it for. We lose perspective and purpose. We lose our desire for the hidden treasure. And when we lose this, the world loses with us.
In her book, Big Magic, Liz Gilbert (@Elizabeth_Gilbert_Writer) shares her insights into the topic of exploring what’s inside us all. At one point in the book she says, “I happen to believe we are all walking depositories of buried treasure.” This quote hits home her thesis quite nicely: Fulfilling the life you’ve dreamed of requires the magic inside of you to be released.
I will add to that: Doing so is the way we bring enough light to outlast the darkness of today’s world.
It is ambitious, but it isn’t impossible. In Michael Franti’s song, Gloria, he sings to us, “When many little people in many little places do many little things then the whole world changes.” This doesn’t happen playing it small inside the rules of others, it only happens when our big light shines.
This is the ripple effect at play, and I can only imagine the work that can be done if more people felt wholeheartedly themselves. Consider the conflicts and monotony that would be reduced – consider filling the world with your light.
In this coaching practice, the goal is to bring your hidden treasure to the surface – it is to find joy and to give joy. You and I will build a relationship based on trust, accountability, and collaboration, and then we will build a rolling plan. We do this by identifying values and desires – we start where you are. This will include an exploration of what you are tolerating and what you are willing and able to do to step beyond the obstacle. Together we will put behaviors behind the hope, and together we will evaluate, celebrate, and navigate your next best step.
Here are the hard facts, however…
There is no magic pill or process to finding your authentic self as it is yours uniquely. No one ever before on this great planet has ever walked your journey. No one could ever tell you how it should be done.
I do not have the answers for you. I certainly can offer my advice! But that wouldn’t be authentic to you, and that would get you nowhere. What I do instead is offer you questions, accountability, and support that will require your truth to lead the way.
Growth takes time. Ask an oak tree. Growth takes time. It also takes commitment and nourishment. But more importantly – it takes initiative. I spent 39 of my precious years thinking I had to be perfect and sacrificial only to find I was withering away. Through this practice, I continue to regrow the mindset and the behaviors and the joy that serves me and others. But growth takes time.
You are going to have to feel your feelings. This is a hard fact for many as we spend much of our life trying to ignore our feelings – move through them. But, my friend, your feelings are signals, and we need to listen. We do not need to act on all of them, but we have to be aware they exist. Then…hang on to your hats…you will need to dig up some vulnerability and address those that are holding you back. But do not fret…I will be with you the entire way.
This one may be the most uncomfortable one for you as it deviates from the narrative we tend to hold, but it is the single most important thing I can share with you: YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are so worthy of loving yourself. You are so worthy of finding your joy. You are so worthy.
It is on you to take the first step. Go back to #1. No one on this planet can tell you when it is time for YOU to shine, for that blessing and burden fall on your shoulders. Reaching out to ask for help might seem unheard of, so consider it like this: If it isn’t initially for your sake, who in your life might benefit from a happier, healthier, more confident and creative version of yourself? Do it for them, but don’t be surprised when it becomes about you!
If you are feeling the pull to explore what’s hidden inside of you and ahead of you, let’s talk. I gladly offer a complimentary consultation to share more about the work we will do, how I got here, and where you would like to see this collaboration take you.
Today I took the next step toward my most authentic self (thanks in great part to wonderful coaches I had along the way), and I would love to take you along my journey by formally inviting you to Joy, Inc on Day #1.
I am only a message away, and your hidden treasure is not out of reach!
Growing up I believed in all the things: Santa was the maker of Christmas joy, the tooth fairy was practically a stealthy Tinkerbell, if I swallowed chewing gum it would remain in my belly for 7 years, and shots weren’t going to really hurt…it was just a prick. I believed fervently in the reality of these beliefs – these truths were truer than true. I was a kid.
As time passed on, I realized (with fervor) the error of my belief system: Each of these truths turned out to be merely a myth. My parents, our church, and our community were the true makers of Christmas joy, and my parents also picked up the role of tooth fairy (which I have learned isn’t the easiest of roles to fulfill) and diminished my hope that a glitter dripping, floating fairy was hanging out every so often and cleaning up my unneeded teeth. I learned that gum does not in fact reside in the comfort of my belly for 7 years, and I learned that chewing gum was actually really bad for you and overly frequent use would inspire a visit from the aforementioned tooth fairy. And finally, I learned that shots at the doctor do indeed hurt, they are not merely a prick, and a dessert treat at the end just isn’t enough for the torture.
My myths were busted. I recall learning the truth about Santa – something I am desperate to protect from my own children (10 and 7). I remember the disappointment and idea that the whole world had lied to me – that my parents had lied to me. All of this was as true and as real as the myth I once held about Santa’s devotion to my life, my behaviors, and my happiness. My let down was real. But something else was too – the joy and the happiness and the generosity all came from somewhere and were VERY real. But it came from a lot of work and devotion and effort. My parents and their devotion to my life, my behaviors, and my happiness was the real truth.
But then I began to question the validity of other beliefs I continued to hold as an adult. One that springs up again and again is the myth about balance. Have you heard it? The one where we encourage one another to maintain balance and to keep life and its abundant expectations in a form of stasis? We are told we should be able to maintain calm and perspective and carry the many burdens that can throw us off our balance game. We are told that success comes from keeping equitable the responsibilities of our health, our family, our jobs, our communities, and our world – all while keeping the bills paid, the house cleaned, and the Pinterest inspired cupcakes impeccably decorated – all without complaint. We are told a lot about balance.
Much of this is simply a myth. Yes – it all sounds so aspirational and lovely, but without understanding what balance really is, we will find ourselves in our own form of stasis when we were given the gift to be uniquely dynamic, powerful, and ever changing.
I am a huge fan of the ocean. There is so much power and authority in the ocean, and maintaining balance in Posiedon’s domain is a super important aspect of our geological demands. Each day, just as the earth turns, the ocean manages its tidal balance by ebbing and flowing and adjusting and looking rather rough and looking rather placid – this is what balance looks like for the ocean. One thing it never, ever, ever is, is static. It maintains its balance by changing, shifting, growing – by enduring discomfort in the lows and celebrating determination in the highs. The ocean shows us with unexpected unknowns what balance is.
Webster defines it as “a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions”, and I cannot disagree with this. It isn’t the dictionary that got us all mythed up with respect to balance: It is us, our culture, our expectations. These are the culprits of our balance myth. We are not meant to hold it all in one place. We are not meant to remain still as we keep all of our plates from spinning out of control. We are meant to be in motion – to be under, around, within the motion.
During my black belt training, the mantra for our dojo was “Find the Right Balance”, and this has stuck with me since then. In martial arts, nothing stays static – we are always in motion. Shift from this leg to that leg OR this part of the leg to that part of the leg (think weight on the toes versus weight in the hip to push forward). We shift to deflect attacks with our arms and our bodies as we dodge and move the inflicting energy away from us. We maintain our strength by never standing fixed in one place unchanged but instead to keep the energy moving in anticipation of what is coming our way. We maintain balance because we have momentum moving forward – despite our precarious steps or our missed kicks or the hits we undoubtedly took. We keep our balance only from adjusting with the weight. In each moment we were required to find our balance knowing that the next moment would require a new place of balance.
In this time, balance was the most striking thing for me. I was teaching and coaching and getting married and socially active and all the things. I was busy. I was learning. And I was overwhelmed in so many ways. I wanted to be a great teacher, wife, daughter, neighbor, friend, and individual, but I struggled to stand there and hold it all balanced.
This permission to ‘find the right balance’ was so critical and it replaced the previous mantra of “maintain balance”. I understood that balance was not a place you go with a cute bubble on a GPS map, it was, in fact, the journey. Finding balance IS the journey.
When we replace the myth that we must hold it all without wavering with the belief (that can then bore behaviors) that to find balance we must expose and endure the imbalances of our situation and thinking. We must be ready to change.
For me this looks like releasing the need to be (or at least appear to be) perfect. This looks like releasing judgement when I stumble (literally and figuratively) and eliminating self-criticism as I manage my spinning plates. These are not easy releases – especially at the holidays – but easy doesn’t cut it when it comes to being authentically me. When I think of taking it the easy way, I think of my daughter’s Easy Bake Oven. It’s packaged well and appears to have it all; however, the result is always crap. Tiny little, tasteless results, but they were easy, and they look so cute.
I have learned that hard isn’t always fun, but it is usually worth it. There certainly are times to take the easy way when it comes to navigating traffic and ordering groceries online, but these I would label as smart conveniences – not managing the magnitude of life’s bullets. Doing the harder things may create some current inconveniences but will allow for longterm, repeatable satisfaction.
The work I do in my coaching practice is grounded in identifying our core values, establishing targets for our journey, and building practices to guide us there. The work I do with my Light Seekers (a little moniker I use for the bright souls I work with), allows us to identify the myths we hold true and then bust through them even when they bring some disappointment and change. The difference is, that we do not have to do it alone. We do not have to bust up Santa’s game leaving the afflicted to mourn alone. We can shift the perspective from, ‘someone took my Santa’ to ‘I was given a new source of hope and purpose’. This shift is the key to finding joy. This shift allows us to see not what we believe but what truly is and truly can be.
As we enter the holiday season and the joyful chaos that accompanies it, let us find the right balance. Let us not find comfort in our disjointed stasis. Let us reach within to find our light so that we may shine it out for the world to be illuminated.
Balance is not a place to be or a way of being or a fixed location – Balance is the resilience to adhere to our authenticity and wellness despite the factors influencing us. Balance is always there waiting for it knows that chaos is, too. But finding the right balance is a reminder to remain in motion and to remain in hope that we can do these big (and little) things, and we can always find joy within them.
