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Boundaries: Liberation without Intimidation

Boundaries: Liberation without Intimidation

In our fast-paced world, it’s essential to prioritize self-care and establish healthy boundaries to protect our well-being, but far too often, we suck at doing just that. Living in a world with healthy boundaries is not beyond your reach. There is so much noise in the world today, and within it are so many misconceptions about boundaries, and we are going to demystify them.

  1. Discover how setting boundaries is an act of self-care that benefits both you and your relationships.
  2. Break free from the misconception that boundaries are self-centered, and instead, learn how they pave the way for a healthier and happier you while deepening your connections with others.
  3. Learn the gentle art of boundary setting and understand that it’s about self-expression – not aggression.

Here’s a quick video where I get asked by the one and only Laura Bell Bundy, founder of  the Womxn of Tomorrow platform, to share three things about boundaries. As an EducateHer for the community and a leader in B.I.G. Believe.Inspire.Grow empowerment community,  I have the honor of discussing boundaries monthly with the incredible humans who show up with us! There is so much to say, so I figured I would share some thoughts with you!

Let’s get clear on a few things as we head out on a transformative adventure of self-discovery, empowerment, and liberation without intimidation. Are you ready to rewrite your boundaries and strengthen your relationships? Let’s break down some myths and explore your truth!

The Truth about Boundaries

Boundaries are: “I love you, I love us, and I love ME.” Three things can be true at the same moment. Not all will be the priority in each moment, but when each person’s needs are met and managed, everyone can find peace. Setting boundaries is a healthy act of self-care that benefits both you and your relationships, and they become the sturdy framework of a house; they provide structure and support for our mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

“There is no one way liberation” Liz Gilbert. We hold this idea that putting boundaries in place and implementing them will be a self-centered act. In order to truly benefit from boundaries, we must break free from the misconception that boundaries are self-centered. In reality, they are the key to a healthier and happier you, paving the way for deeper connections. To bring this to light, we must become aware – curious. Listen to your inner voice – the voice that knows what feels safe, strong, and sure. Too often we let the noise of the world amplify beyond this voice, but we must turn down the noise.

Understand that boundaries are about expressing your needs, not telling others what to do. Find your voice and assert your boundaries with grace bu understanding that there are three ways to communicate: aggressive, assertive, and passive.

Aggressive:

Setting boundaries in an aggressive manner often involves forceful or confrontational behavior. Instead of expressing your needs, you might end up demanding or dictating what others should do. This approach can lead to conflict and strain relationships, as it lacks the sensitivity required for effective communication.

Assertive:

On the other hand, being assertive in setting boundaries means expressing your needs with confidence, clarity, and respect. It’s about finding the right balance between standing up for yourself and being considerate of others. Assertive communication allows you to define your boundaries while maintaining open and healthy relationships.

Passive:

In contrast, passive individuals tend to avoid conflict by not asserting their boundaries at all. They may not express their needs or preferences, which can lead to frustration and resentment. It’s crucial to recognize that passivity in boundary setting can negatively impact your well-being and relationships because your needs go unaddressed.

So, remember, the key is to aim for an assertive approach when setting boundaries. It allows you to express your needs clearly while respecting the needs and boundaries of others, ultimately leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Setting boundaries is perceived to be an act of pushing away, of putting distance between you and the other. But a boundary in its most sacred form is simply delineating between what happens within a certain space & what does not. In this sense, creating boundaries is a drawing in rather than a pushing away.

Anne Lamott’s statement, “No is a complete sentence,” holds a profound truth when it comes to setting boundaries. This simple yet powerful phrase encapsulates the idea that you don’t need to provide elaborate justifications or explanations when you say no. 

In essence, “No is a complete sentence” means that you have the right to assert your boundaries without feeling the need to offer lengthy excuses. Your decisions and limits are valid on their own. This concept empowers you to honor your needs and protect your well-being with clarity and confidence. It allows you to maintain a healthy balance between giving and receiving in your relationships, all while respecting your own values and boundaries.

Examples of healthy boundaries include:

  • Setting Personal Limits:
    • Demonstrating the ability to decline requests or commitments you’re not comfortable with.
    • Example: Politely declining an invitation to an event you’re not interested in attending.
  • Emotionally Responsible Communication:
    • Articulating your emotions in a thoughtful and considerate manner.
    • Example: Instead of angrily blaming someone for your frustration, you calmly express how their actions affected you.
  • Open and Honest Sharing:
    • Being candid about your experiences and thoughts.
    • Example: Sharing your personal struggles and achievements with a close friend.
  • Timely Responsiveness:
    • Providing timely responses when necessary.
    • Example: Promptly answering an important message or email to maintain effective communication.
  • Direct Conflict Resolution:
    • Confronting issues directly with the individual involved, rather than involving a third party.
    • Example: If you have a problem with a coworker, addressing it with them directly instead of complaining to your supervisor.
  • Transparent Expectations:
    • Clearly communicating your expectations to avoid misunderstandings.
    • Example: Discussing with your partner what you expect from a shared household, such as chores and responsibilities, rather than assuming they’ll know.

Boundaries are necessary when encounters or relationships leave you feeling anxious, resentful, or compromised. Boundaries also teach us the delicate art of vulnerability—the courage to be authentic and express our needs.

Examples of red flags:

Here are some examples of red flags that may indicate boundary violations:

  • Disregarding your explicit requests: When someone constantly ignores or dismisses your direct and clear requests, it’s a clear red flag. For instance, if you’ve asked a friend to stop sharing your personal information but they continue to do so, your boundaries are being violated.
  • Overstepping physical boundaries: This includes invading your personal space without permission, touching you in ways that make you uncomfortable, or not respecting your physical boundaries in intimate situations.
  • Constantly making demands: If someone frequently makes unreasonable demands on your time, energy, or resources without considering your needs or limitations, it’s a sign of boundary violation.
  • Ignoring your emotional boundaries: When someone invalidates your feelings, dismisses your emotions, or insists that you shouldn’t feel a certain way, it’s a violation of your emotional boundaries.
  • Gossip and spreading personal information: If someone is sharing your private information or discussing your personal life with others without your consent, it’s a breach of your confidentiality boundaries.
  • Unsolicited advice and judgment: Constantly offering unsolicited advice, criticism, or judgment about your choices, lifestyle, or decisions can indicate a violation of your boundaries.
  • Interrupting your personal time: When someone consistently disrupts your personal time, such as by calling or texting excessively during your downtime or expecting you to be available at all hours, it’s a sign that your boundaries are not being respected.
  • Manipulative behavior: Manipulation, guilt-tripping, or emotional coercion to get you to do something against your will is a clear boundary violation.
  • Crossing moral or ethical boundaries: Violating your values or ethical principles, such as pressuring you to engage in behavior that goes against your beliefs, is another significant red flag.
  • Stalking or harassment: Extreme cases of boundary violations can involve stalking, online harassment, or threats, which require immediate action to protect your safety and well-being.

It’s important to remember that setting and enforcing boundaries is your right, and it’s essential for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. If you notice any of these red flags, it’s crucial to address the issue and communicate your boundaries clearly. If the violations persist, you may need to reconsider the nature of the relationship or seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals.

It is not telling others what they can and cannot do. You are telling people what you will do. It is always from the self.

Setting boundaries is as much about what you are saying ‘yes’ to as it is about what you are saying ‘no’ to. It is actually generous to reveal your boundaries, and a deep act of vulnerability to ask for what you need. But first, you must realize that you always have a choice.

Between stimulus and response, you have a choice. Take the Pause. By cultivating a habit of pausing, we create a space between the stimulus and our response. In this space lies our power to choose. It’s in this moment that we can ask ourselves, “Do I truly want to engage in this situation? Is this my responsibility? What are my options? Is there someone else who could do it?” By acknowledging this choice, we empower ourselves to respond consciously rather than reactively.

Remember, ‘Choose Your Hard.’ What’s required is vulnerability and a deep connection with your unique values. It’s crucial to recognize that you can always change your mind. But when you do, you must communicate your boundaries as needed. As Seneca wisely stated, ‘We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.’ 

These principles emphasize the power of mindfulness and self-awareness, allowing you to make choices that align with your values. They remind us that we have the ability to pause, reflect, and decide how we respond to various situations, and that often, our perceptions can exaggerate challenges. ‘Choose Your Hard’ underscores the idea that life presents difficulties regardless of the path we choose, so it’s essential to align our choices with our values. Vulnerability is key in expressing our needs and boundaries, and the reminder that we can adapt and communicate as needed reinforces the flexibility of boundaries in different contexts.

The Art of Setting Boundaries

Discover the practical steps to boundary-setting:

  • Address Perspective: Challenge the truth of your beliefs.
  • Challenge Assumptions: Examine the agreements, both implicit and explicit.
  • Identify Non-Negotiables/Values: Simplify your values for clarity.
  • Define: Identify desired boundary & Explore Risks & Rewards.
  • Educate on the New Way: Communicate your boundaries clearly and consistently.
  • Focus on Safety: Prioritize your well-being in every situation.
  • Maintain Consistency and Compassion

Embrace the bumps: Choose your hard, embrace the process, celebrate milestones, and navigate setbacks with compassion and resilience. The Journey of Practice: Honoring Progress, Embracing Imperfection. Building boundaries is a skill that strengthens over time with practice. By nurturing healthy boundaries, we create space for self-care, personal growth, and meaningful connections. Remember, progress, not perfection, is the key.

“Improving by 1% isn’t particularly notable, sometimes it isn’t even noticeable, but it can be far more meaningful – especially in the long run. If you can get 1% better each day for one year, you’ll end up 37 times better by the time you’re done.” ~ James Clear

Things to remember on your boundary journey:

  • The Gentle Art of Boundary Setting: Learn from Melissa Urban the “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast:
  • Keep your eye on the energy drains & gains: Understand the concept of energy transactions and their impact. Recognize when you’re giving more than you’re receiving in any interaction as well as recognize when you are getting more (or enough) in situations. Focus on more of what you gain from and eliminate (or reevaluate) what drains you.
  • If they push back, evaluate the health of the relationship. “If you are offended by my boundaries, you are probably one of the reasons I have them’”
  • Know when to withdraw – to stay safe.
  • Check in daily with your emotional, financial, time availability, and resources. If you need a moment to think about it, take the moment.
  • Accountability is key. Find a coach, friend, trusted mentor, online group, or whatever – but find accountability.
  • Find your empowerment from within: Remember, your boundaries are about you and your well-being, regardless of external factors.

Why Set Boundaries?

  • Boundaries are designed to improve your relationships and ensure your own safety and health.
  • You Are Not Responsible for Others’ Reactions: Your responsibility is to communicate your boundaries kindly. How others respond is their journey.
  • Stay True to Your Path: Maintain your course with unwavering clarity. Your well-being is paramount. Stay curious.

Are you ready to rewrite your boundaries, strengthen your relationships, and step into your power? If you’re ready to explore the power of practice further and want guidance in cultivating boundaries and empowerment in your life, reach out to us. Our team of experts is here to support you on your path to personal growth and well-being.

Join me on the Course for Joy – a transformative journey towards finding your authentic self and embracing the joy that life has to offer. 

Curious about the Course for Joy? LINK

Ready to register for the Course for Joy? LINK

The Pursuit of Joy: Making Sense of Happiness and Suffering

In our quest for joy, we often find ourselves entangled in the complexities of life. We frequently experience moments of unhappiness and suffering, longing for a state of joy and contentment. This conversation needs space to explore the profound distinction between happiness and suffering, delving into the idea that true joy is independent of external circumstances, and that suffering can be transformed into a purposeful journey.


Our human condition, with its deep-rooted memory and intense imagination, can lead us down the path of unnecessary suffering. This is the illusion of suffering. We tend to project our fears and anxieties into the future or dwell on past regrets, causing immense distress. However, it is important to recognize that suffering and happiness are not prerequisites for joy. It is merely a product of our perception and mental state standing in the way of our joy.


Life is a constant interplay between happiness and suffering. While suffering may arise naturally, joy is always within our reach. It is essential to understand that finding this peace is not contingent on external factors. It is a state of being that can be cultivated by acknowledging and embracing the present moment. The challenge lies in consciously choosing how we interact with life despite the circumstances, actively working towards inner peace and contentment. Actively seeking joy.


To comprehend the true nature of joy, we must differentiate it from happiness. Happiness is often dependent on external circumstances, such as achieving goals or acquiring possessions. Whichever it is, we spend a great deal of our resources (time, money, energy, etc.) in an effort to please the expectations we think others hold of us. In this way, we seek approval from our external sources. We think we will be happy when we make others happy even at our own expense. This is the illusion of happiness. 
On the other hand, joy transcends these conditions. It is a birthright, an innate state of being that can be experienced despite life’s ups and downs. By understanding this distinction, we can liberate ourselves from the limitations of external validation and find lasting joy within.


We often fall into the trap of believing that certain achievements or possessions will bring us lasting happiness. We may think, “Once I get that job, then I’ll be happy,” or “If I earn a higher income, I’ll finally find contentment.” Or we may think, “If I lose those last ten pounds, “ or “If I get the diamond ring,” or “If I just suck it up a little longer…” This is the illusion of more. However, this mindset perpetuates suffering as we constantly seek more, expecting external circumstances to provide lasting fulfillment. True joy arises when we awaken to the present moment, appreciating what we have and embracing the richness of life as it unfolds.


The Stoic philosopher Seneca wisely noted, “We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” Our minds often create elaborate scenarios of suffering that rarely materialize. By recognizing this tendency, we can alleviate unnecessary suffering and focus on purposeful growth. Embracing practices such as mindfulness, self-reflection, and resilience can help us navigate the challenges of life without succumbing to needless anguish. This results in the opportunity for transformation. 


But transformation doesn’t come in a vacuum. In my experience, I had to get out of my own way in order to embrace this idea – the idea that happiness and suffering are inevitable, it’s what we do about it that makes the difference. In so many instances, it was coaching that allowed me to open my mind, but all of this was enhanced by what I absorb, by what I ponder, and by what I read.


Here are some books that have helped me make sense of these ideas that may help you on your journey: 


Wisdom Simplified: “The Four Agreements”

Author Don Miguel Ruiz offers a powerful framework in his book, “The Four Agreements.” These agreements—Be Impeccable With Your Word, Don’t Take Anything Personally, Don’t Make Assumptions, and Always Do Your Best—can guide us toward freedom, true joy, and love. By aligning our actions with these principles, we can cultivate healthier relationships, let go of unnecessary suffering, and experience greater joy in our lives.

Embracing Creative Living: “Big Magic”

Author Elizabeth Gilbert encourages us to unleash our creativity and pursue what brings us joy. She advises us to let go of needless suffering, embrace curiosity, and face our fears. By adopting an attitude of playfulness and exploration, we can tap into our hidden potentials and live a more fulfilling life. Gilbert reminds us that within each of us lie unique gifts waiting to be discovered.


The Power of Community: “Tribe”

Drawing from history and anthropology, author Sebastian Junger sheds light on the innate human behaviors of loyalty, inter-reliance, and cooperation. During times of suffering and turmoil, these behaviors emerge, fostering a sense of belonging and unity. Recognizing our shared experiences and supporting one another in times of need can help alleviate individual suffering and create a more compassionate and resilient society.


Happiness and suffering are intertwined aspects of the human experience. There’s no escaping it. While they may be inevitable, it is not a prerequisite for happiness. By cultivating mindfulness, choosing joy in the present moment, and embracing purposeful growth, we can transcend suffering and lead a more fulfilling life. Let us remember that joy and fulfillment are not a destination but a journey we can embark upon right now, empowering ourselves to create a life of true joy and contentment.


If you are ready to take this journey, I am ready to meet you there. Request a consult here!

If you aren’t ready yet, please enjoy the bonus segments of my podcast. It is the Live Joy of Tarot where you get 30 minutes of content-rich conversation between myself and Lisa Trancredi of the Feel Better Group. It will get your mind thinking of how you can build perspective and power to find peace.


Thank you and make it a great day!
Much Love, ~M✨

The Myth about Balance

Growing up I believed in all the things: Santa was the maker of Christmas joy, the tooth fairy was practically a stealthy Tinkerbell, if I swallowed chewing gum it would remain in my belly for 7 years, and shots weren’t going to really hurt…it was just a prick. I believed fervently in the reality of these beliefs – these truths were truer than true. I was a kid.

As time passed on, I realized (with fervor) the error of my belief system: Each of these truths turned out to be merely a myth. My parents, our church, and our community were the true makers of Christmas joy, and my parents also picked up the role of tooth fairy (which I have learned isn’t the easiest of roles to fulfill) and diminished my hope that a glitter dripping, floating fairy was hanging out every so often and cleaning up my unneeded teeth. I learned that gum does not in fact reside in the comfort of my belly for 7 years, and I learned that chewing gum was actually really bad for you and overly frequent use would inspire a visit from the aforementioned tooth fairy. And finally, I learned that shots at the doctor do indeed hurt, they are not merely a prick, and a dessert treat at the end just isn’t enough for the torture.  

My myths were busted. I recall learning the truth about Santa – something I am desperate to protect from my own children (10 and 7). I remember the disappointment and idea that the whole world had lied to me – that my parents had lied to me. All of this was as true and as real as the myth I once held about Santa’s devotion to my life, my behaviors, and my happiness. My let down was real. But something else was too – the joy and the happiness and the generosity all came from somewhere and were VERY real. But it came from a lot of work and devotion and effort. My parents and their devotion to my life, my behaviors, and my happiness was the real truth.

But then I began to question the validity of other beliefs I continued to hold as an adult. One that springs up again and again is the myth about balance. Have you heard it? The one where we encourage one another to maintain balance and to keep life and its abundant expectations in a form of stasis? We are told we should be able to maintain calm and perspective and carry the many burdens that can throw us off our balance game. We are told that success comes from keeping equitable the responsibilities of our health, our family, our jobs, our communities, and our world – all while keeping the bills paid, the house cleaned, and the Pinterest inspired cupcakes impeccably decorated – all without complaint.  We are told a lot about balance. 

Much of this is simply a myth.  Yes – it all sounds so aspirational and lovely, but without understanding what balance really is, we will find ourselves in our own form of stasis when we were given the gift to be uniquely dynamic, powerful, and ever changing.

I am a huge fan of the ocean. There is so much power and authority in the ocean, and maintaining balance in Posiedon’s domain is a super important aspect of our geological demands. Each day, just as the earth turns, the ocean manages its tidal balance by ebbing and flowing and adjusting and looking rather rough and looking rather placid – this is what balance looks like for the ocean. One thing it never, ever, ever is, is static. It maintains its balance by changing, shifting, growing – by enduring discomfort in the lows and celebrating determination in the highs. The ocean shows us with unexpected unknowns what balance is. 

Webster defines it as “a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions”, and I cannot disagree with this. It isn’t the dictionary that got us all mythed up with respect to balance: It is us, our culture, our expectations. These are the culprits of our balance myth. We are not meant to hold it all in one place. We are not meant to remain still as we keep all of our plates from spinning out of control. We are meant to be in motion – to be under, around, within the motion.

During my black belt training, the mantra for our dojo was “Find the Right Balance”, and this has stuck with me since then. In martial arts, nothing stays static – we are always in motion. Shift from this leg to that leg OR this part of the leg to that part of the leg (think weight on the toes versus weight in the hip to push forward). We shift to deflect attacks with our arms and our bodies as we dodge and move the inflicting energy away from us. We maintain our strength by never standing fixed in one place unchanged but instead to keep the energy moving in anticipation of what is coming our way. We maintain balance because we have momentum moving forward – despite our precarious steps or our missed kicks or the hits we undoubtedly took. We keep our balance only from adjusting with the weight. In each moment we were required to find our balance knowing that the next moment would require a new place of balance.

In this time, balance was the most striking thing for me. I was teaching and coaching and getting married and socially active and all the things. I was busy. I was learning. And I was overwhelmed in so many ways. I wanted to be a great teacher, wife, daughter, neighbor, friend, and individual, but I struggled to stand there and hold it all balanced.

This permission to ‘find the right balance’ was so critical and it replaced the previous mantra of “maintain balance”. I understood that balance was not a place you go with a cute bubble on a GPS map, it was, in fact, the journey. Finding balance IS the journey.

When we replace the myth that we must hold it all without wavering with the belief (that can then bore behaviors) that to find balance we must expose and endure the imbalances of our situation and thinking. We must be ready to change.

For me this looks like releasing the need to be (or at least appear to be) perfect. This looks like releasing judgement when I stumble (literally and figuratively) and eliminating self-criticism as I manage my spinning plates. These are not easy releases – especially at the holidays – but easy doesn’t cut it when it comes to being authentically me. When I think of taking it the easy way, I think of my daughter’s Easy Bake Oven. It’s packaged well and appears to have it all; however, the result is always crap. Tiny little, tasteless results, but they were easy, and they look so cute.  

I have learned that hard isn’t always fun, but it is usually worth it. There certainly are times to take the easy way when it comes to navigating traffic and ordering groceries online, but these I would label as smart conveniences – not managing the magnitude of life’s bullets. Doing the harder things may create some current inconveniences but will allow for longterm, repeatable satisfaction. 

The work I do in my coaching practice is grounded in identifying our core values, establishing targets for our journey, and building practices to guide us there. The work I do with my Light Seekers (a little moniker I use for the bright souls I work with), allows us to identify the myths we hold true and then bust through them even when they bring some disappointment and change. The difference is, that we do not have to do it alone. We do not have to bust up Santa’s game leaving the afflicted to mourn alone. We can shift the perspective from, ‘someone took my Santa’ to ‘I was given a new source of hope and purpose’. This shift is the key to finding joy. This shift allows us to see not what we believe but what truly is and truly can be. 

As we enter the holiday season and the joyful chaos that accompanies it, let us find the right balance. Let us not find comfort in our disjointed stasis. Let us reach within to find our light so that we may shine it out for the world to be illuminated.

Balance is not a place to be or a way of being or a fixed location – Balance is the resilience to adhere to our authenticity and wellness despite the factors influencing us. Balance is always there waiting for it knows that chaos is, too. But finding the right balance is a reminder to remain in motion and to remain in hope that we can do these big (and little) things, and we can always find joy within them.

Much Love,

~M